Tastes Like Chicken

Someone I know here decided to pepper a personal email with anecdotal trivia regarding oral sex. He mentioned he likes doing it. A lot.

I think these musings came about because he was looking forward to some alone-time with his beautiful sweetie, and was therefore overcome with male urges and the subsequent male juice.

Okay, you might have guessed by now that this person is my internet boyfriend (MIB), and we were in a four-way email loop.

Most men like to do it. Oral sex, I mean. My husband absolutely loves doing it, and who am I to deny him his pleasure, especially when the action results in pleasure of my own? Actually, if he does it, I really, really am in the mood after that, and for days later.

(An aside: you can always enjoy oral sex in the office.)

MIB then mused about the taste. “Tastes like chicken” came to mind. (Why is it that anything “different” tastes like “chicken?” I feel badly for the poor birds.)

I read that and laughed. Then I thought about what I think oral sex tastes like to me.

A man’s love juices gains the flavor of whatever he’s been consuming. You do not want to go down on a guy if he’s been eating brussels sprouts or asparagus. Vodka and whiskey flavor badly too. Feed your man lots of bland meats and fruits like oranges, and make him drink green tea and you will find that swallowing might be easier to achieve.

Of course, there’s that problem with the texture. No matter how you look at it, there it is, like warm, steaming snot, and in most cases, just like a Blue Point oyster, it’s too large to gulp in one breath.

Hey! Oysters! Maybe I should make a champagne vinegar and shallot dressing or slather on some seafood sauce with lots of horseradish as a condiment…

Tastes like chicken, my ass.

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16 Responses

  1. I understand that pineapple juice is the best thing for a man to have a day or two before, to ensure a nice flavour. But you know… it goes both ways. I’ve always been told how nice I taste, and I concurred, based on tasting myself on him, but then, one day, I was not pleased with my taste… I really had to think about what I had been eating. Junk food, mainly. Rather acidic taste to it. Lesson learned.

    Texture… well, you know, usually I quite like it. A lot. And swallowing is a pleasure. But once, for some reason, the snot comparison really came to me suddenly (so to speak), and I had to really work hard not to gag. Mind over matter, right? 🙂

  2. This is a very interesting post. You sure know how to pick good topics: going commando, office sex, the taste of sexual fluids… What can we look forward to next??

    I don’t often discuss oral sex with, well, anybody, but I guess it’s easier to do that sort of thing on the blogosphere. Your post made me realize that I have sort of weird hangups about oral sex. C sometimes tries to go down on me, but I hardly ever allow him to because, well, I think it’s kind of gross, and I can’t kiss him afterwards. It doesn’t have anything to do with my particular taste; I eat healthily, and the men who have gone down on me haven’t had any complaints.

    And as for male “love juice” (wonderful name, by the way), I can’t say I enjoy the taste or the texture at all. I could probably count the number of times I have permitted “love juices” to be expelled in my mouth on one hand, and the number of times I have swallowed on two or three fingers.

    What does this say about me? I hadn’t thought of myself as sexually repressed–we have plenty of hot sex and enjoy our stash of toys. And I read Savage Love every week, so I must be sexually enlightened!

    Come on, analyze me!

  3. OK, that comment was obscenely long (and slightly obscene). Sorry for hogging your blogspace.

  4. Teasp, for whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you’re repressed. I think that we’re wired to enjoy some things, and not others, and that’s all there is to it. I have had girlfriends in the past who didn’t like to receive oral sex, but who were utterly and completely uninhibited in every other way, and we had a fine time without it.

    This is sort of for pmousse — maybe it’s just me, but I have found that women taste and smell differently at different times of the month (if they’re not on the Pill). The ovulation week is ungodly delicious. The only thing that can ruin it, as far as I can tell, is overconsumption of onions or garlic.

    I also think it’s very ungentlemanly of any guy to expect a woman to swallow, or even to receive and spit. There’s usually enough time to give a warning and ask where to aim.

  5. David, thanks for the reassurance. Although now I know that if I ever do ask C to perform oral sex, it will be when I am ovulating. 😉 And, somehow it doesn’t surprise me that you are a connoisseur of the taste and smell of vaginas. (OK, it’s a little bit ridiculous that wordpress doesn’t think “vaginas” is a word, don’t you think?)

  6. Oh man — I don’t think I’ve ever been called a vagina taste connossieur before. I’m still laughing.

    But you’re right … it’s not particularly surprising, is it? 🙂

  7. tsp ~ you’re not repressed; I think that the only good sex is the sex enjoyed by both partners and that means that both enjoy giving it and receiving it. If one of you doesn’t, then it isn’t good, regardless how good it is.

    Pandemonic … what will you think of next?

  8. Well well well. We already talked about this in email so I don’t know what to say here.

    And, note that David is sluttier than I am offline too — not that there’s anything wrong with that. I remember one time I was out with a (male) friend and we spotted a provocatively dressed young woman playing pinball. Of course, at the time, I was completely committed to my sweetie so I was indifferent to the woman’s attire. My friend remarked, “Hey. She looks slutty. Let’s go meet her.” We did. She was quite a pleasant person. She had a good sense of humour too.

    By the way, I still adore you.

    teaspoon: vaginas? LOL! I just had to type it to see. I think it is the Firefox spell checker. I just checked and the MS spell checker is fine with it.

  9. I don’t know, but I am enjoying reading the comments.

    Maybe I should write about the dust bunnies under my bed. Blame this post on MIB. You know him, his mind travels in strange ways. Not exactly from point A to point B.

    Garlic and onions… big components in bad taste of the nether regions. And I had never thought of ovulation in the scheme of things. I wonder what happens in the case of menopause? More to ponder.

    Just to clarify, I don’t particularly “like” doing the oral sex thing, I guess like everything it depends on the mood and level of passion.

  10. You’re so right, BGG. David is so TOTALLY sluttier than you are! I can see now how some women fall swooning under his spell.

  11. Yes. You’re quite right about the mood thing. I have to have wood before I’m interested in putting my lips and tongue to those regions. I rather like earlobes too. That doesn’t require prior excitement though. In fact, it can lead to exactly that.

    You can see just now? You didn’t see that before? Really now. I find that hard to believe. I think about half of the women that I interact with online have crushes on David and almost all of them have a protective attitude towards my romantic inclinations with my sweetie.

  12. I love your blog more and more.

    In China oral sex is something of a novelty. Foreplay consists of a man rolling on to his wife. And they wonder why the foreigners get all the girls.

  13. Stevo, I’ve had American boyfriends who’ve thought foreplay was rolling onto his partner. Some men don’t get that you must tend the fire carefully before sticking in the hot poker.

  14. I don’t think foreplay is just for the benefit of women.

  15. Agreed, BGG.

  16. That’s not at all surprising and it is yet another reason why I love you.

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