Women (and Other Things) I Would Totally Not Sleep With

Now that some of my gender are discussing the women they would totally sleep with, I thought I would take this moment to discuss some of the women and other things I would totally NOT sleep with. Let me preface this by saying I’m not a lesbian, but as you will see later on in this discussion, that’s not the least of it. I can keep my options completely open and still draw some parameters as to bedtime partners.

The list of women and other things I totally would not sleep with:

1. First of all, need I say it? Britney Spears. I couldn’t sleep with her. Frankly, I don’t know when she sleeps, but she can’t be on the same circadian cycle as me. Plus, she doesn’t wear panties, and that might be one late night surprise I don’t think I’d want to delve into. The mental picture of me unconciously sliding my hand over her naked ass, well… yech! I don’t want to go there… Also, I don’t want to sound shallow, but her body is horribly out of shape. Instead of having the washboard of a pop princess, her stomach sort of looks like… well, mine.

2. Hillary Clinton. Again, I must be shallow. Hillary was no beauty queen at Wellesley and she’s packed on a few pounds since becoming a senator. Perhaps she shouldn’t eat at all on the campaign trail. Also, she couldn’t keep her man happy, time and time (and time and time) again, so I can only deduce that she’s unimaginative in the sack.

3. Rosie O’Donnell. ‘Nuff said.

4. Dogs. I’m a cat person. I can sleep with cats, especially if they’re well behaved and don’t like to pull pranks when you’re sleeping. It’s disconcerting to have your eyelids licked or your earlobes munched on, but these are minor inconveniences, considering 1 through 3 above. Besides, dogs smell.

5. Rocks. I’ve slept with small TVs in my bed, with fast food wrappers (I was younger!), with books, telephones and sketch pads. When my son brought a large hunk of gold ore into the bed, I had to say “no” to that.

6. My children. As long as we are talking about what the children bring into bed (donuts, potato chips, pop tarts, cookies, etc.), let’s also discuss my children. The last time the three of us shared a bed was about ten years ago at my sister’s house. She had a huge king sized bed and we thought it would be big enough. It wasn’t. My son, who is now twenty, tends to sleep on the diagonal. Yes, even now. My daughter kicks, and kicks hard. I can sleep with other children in my bed, just not MY children.

7. And finally, the ultimate deal breaker. A dead person. I definitely could not sleep with a dead person in my bed. At first I was going to limit it to skeletal remains, but I think any dead person would negatively affect my sleep. This includes zombies, vampires, and those who spontaneously combust.

A girl just has to draw the line somewhere.

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9 Responses

  1. I won’t sleep with anyone who snores loudly, man or woman. I might share a bed before sleeping, but then, they just need to leave. 🙂

  2. Cats! You are totally right. I sleep with cats. I wouldn’t ever sleep with a dog. Ewww!

    Children…well…it still happens. Diagonal eh? One of mine liked to make a letter H in our bed. Me and my sweetie got to be the vertical lines and the child — headbutting and kicking was the cross bar. The other tries a similar thing but on our pillows so that it is more the Greek letter pi. That has lead to me waking up in the middle of the night to find that someone is barfing on my head. I want that to end.

    I hope you’re feeling way better when you read this comment. If not, I apologize for the imagery.

  3. Much better, BGG, thanks. Children will naturally leave your bed once they are old enough. This would be the teen years. Before that, they don’t mind your presence. After that, their only concern is to look “cool” and it’s not cool to sleep with your parents.

  4. That’s inspired a bit of fear in me. One of them — I just can’t imagine cool ever being applied and the other, I think trend setter is an apt description. So, either way the teen years aren’t looking promising for getting them to get themselves out of our bed. I’m thinking a locking bedroom door might be the answer.

  5. I’m a space cadet. I replied to your reply on another page. Heh. I’m going to continue to write my morning post. Maybe my head will clear while I’m writing it.

  6. Locks are great mechanisms. And my children sound like yours. One a social misfit, the other a social butterfly. All worked out in the end. The social misfit still sleeps on the diagonal, but with his girlfriend. The social butterfly… well, the jury is still out on that one. She doesn’t want to sleep with me, I know that.

  7. I didn’t see this post til now. I don’t know how I missed it.

    My 17 and 22 y/o daughters still climb into my bed from time to time. Usually not to sleep but to talk. It’s a small bed and I don’t think we’d be able to sleep in it if they stayed. A year or so ago my youngest climbed into bed with me and fell asleep because it’s a comfy bed. She was sort of diagonal on the bed so I ended up taking a pillow out to the couch and sleeping there until she woke up a few hours later and went to her own bed.

  8. The sacrifices we mothers make.

  9. Oh my god, I totally wouldn’t sleep with a zombie either.

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