Some Dirty Office Talk

1. The manager is ribbing one of the guys here, because he shared once that he wipes his ass while standing up. This office is four females and three males. All of us laughed. It’s not so funny, because my son also wipes his ass while standing up. His reason for doing so is because my husband used to make him stand up to do it when he was a toddler. So my son never really learned how to wipe sitting down. If that isn’t totally weird, I don’t know what is. Now the guy in the office, I don’t know why he wipes standing up, and neither does he. He thought everyone did.

2. We have another guy who works here, who is basically a gopher for my husband. We found out from another employee that once he was at a location and had to go to the bathroom. We shared the bathroom with the suite next to us. It was after hours, so he left the door open. Employee #2 walked by to find Employee #1 on the toilet with his pants around his ankles. When I bring it up, Employee #1 gets very angry and hostile. I can’t imagine why.

3. We were reminicing that one time about ten years ago, the cleaning company that was supposed to clean our office didn’t show up for a month. This was during the summer, when we are the busiest. I guess the guy had a heart attack but no one knew. Anyway, after a few weeks I noticed the bathroom smelling particularly bad. I armed myself with a lot of strong cleaning equipment and started to tackle the job. I noticed there were some bottles and vases on the back of the toilet. They were filled with liquid. When I dumped the liquid out, I realized it was urine! After that, I put a lock on the door, so now you have to have a key to use the facilities. It’s a bit of a hassle, but keeps the homeless and the teenagers out.

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21 Responses

  1. 1. I wipe up my ass standing up. I used to think that everyone did that. Then somebody told me otherwise. I still think it can’t possibly be that uncommon.
    2. I feel for Employee #1. That’s totally something I would do.
    3. Yuck! What kind of place do you work in?!
    4. I never remember to turn off the sound on my computer when I’m at work and I click on your blog.

  2. Oh! Well the standers are one more. I will tell my employee, he’d be thrilled.

    I can’t tell you what kind of place we work in. It’s supposed to be the “corporate” headquarters but it looks more like a bomb went off in here.

    Sorry about the Mozart flute concerto. It’s the next piece my daughter is learning.

  3. There are many ways that a person can wipe their ass. I think standing ass wiping should be made into an Olympic sport. Perhaps just an exhibition sport for the 2008 games but I’m hoping it will be a regular sport by 2012.

  4. Oh this cracks (forgive the pun) me up.

    1. When I was pregnant with the little one I pretty much knew that I was going to not be married to my husband much longer. I really hoped that the baby would be a girl (which she is and was) mostly because I’m a girl I have no idea how to teach a boy to pee standing up. Don’t guys get picked on for peeing sitting down?

    2. At my office today I was talking about how with the girls I haven’t used the bathroom with the door shut at home for ages. I forget to. Even when I have company, which isn’t often luckily. I’m so used to just going in and doing whatever with the door wide open and two kids watching.

    3. That’s just gross.

  5. Um, ew.

  6. Don’t you get that echo-ey sound when you pee with the door open? I just can’t do it. I must close the door. Just in case I get robbed, or the bug man comes to exterminate. I wouldn’t want to get caught with my panties down.

    Anyway, yes, I did teach my son to pee sitting down, which might be why my husband taught him to wipe standing up. My son says he still sometimes pees sitting down.

    Weird topic.

  7. I wasn’t really expecting you to tell me where you worked; it was more or less a rhetorical question.
    Ack, it’s that word again! I can’t seem to escape it: “panties.”

    *shudder* *cringe*

  8. I’ve grown accustomed to the door open. I do everything with the lights on and the door open.

    tsp. – I agree.

  9. What Wanda said.

  10. I love the word “panties.” It’s so feminine, yet has a lot of power behind it. At least it does for me.

  11. I’m opposed to anyone ever peeing standing up in any bathroom that I have to clean.

  12. The asswipe standing up thing seems fraught with unspeakable peril.

  13. Bibliomom: I’m glad you’re with me on the “panties” thing. I don’t know why I hate the word so much, Pan. I’m glad that you like it. But it always makes me cringe. It doesn’t sound powerful at all to me. To me, there are dirty connotations inherent in the word itself. I know that doesn’t make much sense. But I’m not the only one! Check out this article: http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2007/10/29/moist/ (most doesn’t really bother me, though.)

    David: 1) I’ve been performing the standing asswipe as long as I’ve been both standing and wiping my own ass, and no harm has ever come to me. It’s especially nice when pooping in the woods because you get a much better view that way. 2) I have been wondering this for some time and simply must have an answer: why do you have two names? Why David Rochester most of the time, but other times Baron von Rochester?

  14. 1. Your husband helped potty train your son? Wow! Mine didn’t.
    2. Why do you torment the poor soul so? I don’t think I would remind him. But I’m nice.
    3. Having to ask for a key is really much better all around. It keeps the place cleaner for the owner and for the “user”.

  15. The music is nice but you might want to go into the settings in Sonific and set the default volume lower. Mine is set for 50. The default is 80. If you lower the volume, you won’t blast anyone’s ears off (or blow the whistle on anyone reading at work).

  16. I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

  17. David: Unspeakable peril? No.

    Headstanding asswiping is fraught with unspeakable peril.

    I haven’t really cared about the word panties before now. But, as a contrarian and out of loyalty to Pan, I’ve decided that I now love the word and will use it as often as I can in places where a word with positive connotations are suggested.

  18. BGG: What about your loyalty to me and to Bibliomom??

  19. I learned to wipe standing up. It took ribbing, and years of diligent effort to reeducate myself.

    You are right about the woods, thought. The standing wipe is a good talent to have, on occasion.

  20. #1 — I’m sort of like Bibliomom — one reason I was apprehensive about possibly having a boy (which didn’t happen) was that I don’t really know how the equipment works. When I worked in special ed, sometimes I had to do some pretty gross cleanups on kids — and boys are way more difficult to clean up, I think.

    #3 — eeeewwwwww!

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