Sex Comes Home

For those of you who don’t know me well, it’s a prerequisite that you read this:

We Haven’t Had Sex in Bed for Months « Pandemonic’s Time & Space

If you’re the least bit squeamish or the type who doesn’t enjoy reading sexcapades, stop reading right now.

An update: today sex came home.

One reason? We have two furnaces for our office, one for each side of the building. We found out after the first frost that the furnace doesn’t work on his side. Hitting an ice cold leather couch with your nice warm butt can be likened to jumping into the hole of a frozen lake. Invigorating, but initially uncomfortable.

The other reason? The employee who busted us the last time has been conspicuously hanging around in the hour before we officially open for business. My opinion is that he’s trying to catch us again.

Of course, we still didn’t make it to the bed, or even the bedroom. We didn’t make it out of the kitchen.

Having sex in the lower level of our house is somewhat difficult. If you are an exhibitionist, it’s a perfect set up. We have no window treatments and a lot of windows. There are over 30 on the lower floor. We chose a corner of the kitchen where there were no windows and a generous view of the back door.

I’d want to say the randy fun was more like a Harlequin romance, but unfortunately, due to the fact that we have workmen coming to the house at 8 a.m. to deconstruct a bathroom, our outing was more like a quickie. It could have been porn, except that I was squealing because my ass was turning into an ice cube. He was squealing because his balls were knocking into the side of the granite, and thus becoming companion ice cubes.

One very important thing to note: a granite countertop is way colder than the chilly leather surface of a cold couch.

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15 Responses

  1. I think you need to try the bed in the middle of the day, when you have just had an injection of caffeine, so that you will stop associating it solely with sleep.

  2. That would be hard to do, P’mousse. I think of my bed as a haven from the world. The rest of the world includes romps in “the sack” so to speak. When my head hits the pillow and I’m encased in a fluffy down blanket, it takes about ten seconds and I’m out like a light.

  3. Your and your husband’s sexcapades make me realize just how ridiculously fussy I am. On the few occasions I’ve tried to have sex in unusual locations, the discomfort and awkwardness almost immediately dampened my enthusiasm. I’m a great fan of chairs, but other than that … hard surfaces freak me out, when juxtaposed with nudity and, uh, movement.

  4. Well, we didn’t do the island. I refuse. There are gas burners there!

  5. I found it hilarious to think that for most people “sex on the island” would mean a vacation to Hawaii. But no, for you it means trying to avoid giving new meaning to “the burning bush.”

  6. Oh, Mr. Rochester, you made me laugh until I cried!

  7. David, you are funny.

    I’m incoherent. The image that “burning bush” summons in my mind is an old friend of mine who walked out of his front door to discover that his teenaged sister’s drunk friend had lit the shrubbery beside the house on fire. On seeing said burning bush, he looked up and said, “Yes.”

    Pan: Thanks for the idea. I just checked my calendar and I think I’m going to go home now. The kids are in school and it looks like my sweetie will be done the same time I am.

  8. Yeah! I hope you don’t have granite. If you do, I’d suggest a dish towel to buffer your nads and her butt from the cold.

  9. You have a granite counter? Lucky.

    My partner is unadventurous. It’s the bed, or the sofa occasionally. I have almost given up on my elevator groupings.

  10. And they say my posts about the shower head are bad.

  11. Sex in unusual locations does nothing for me either. Unusual men might do, however, come to think of it.

  12. We’ve done the elevator thing. Now that there are cameras everywhere, I will politely decline any offers for that.

    Wanda, please point me to your shower head post. I must have missed it.

  13. You forgot about the $1400 shower head already?

  14. OH! That one! I thought you were doing something with the shower head! For $1400, you sure should.

  15. […] are those like Pan who seem to be having sex all the […]

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