A VERY Quick Quickie

You’d think that because I’m a woman, I’d be all for a lot of foreplay, touching, and general tending when it comes to sex. Granted, there are some times when this frying pan needs a red-hot poker to fire me up, but on the other hand, sometimes all that’s needed is a quickie.

Men are, without a doubt, the Lords and Masters of Fast Sex. Men can get an erection by the mere thought of women. The woman need not be a curvy computer-enhanced photograph from Playboy. Of course, most men can get an erection thinking of just about anything; a Corvette, hairbrushes, ice cream cones, hot dogs, their spouses slaving over a hot sink washing dishes… (That last one belongs to my man. I see nothing erotic with the way I wash dishes, but obviously I’m missing some magic mojo that I don’t even know I possessed.)

My house is currently filled with children and their significant others. This is what happens when the holidays bring them back to the nest like the hungry homing pigeons they are. (An aside, my little birdies are eating us out of  house and home. There will be some measure of relief when we drop the older ones off at the airport on Sunday, as the grocery and water bills will take a nosedive into normalcy.) A houseful of people is not conducive to consummating one’s undying love with one’s spouse. This is dangerous territory; don’t try it at home. Trust me on that one.

Since both children and their significant others are spending their first holidays together, there’s a lot of lovey-dovey-smooching-and-groping going on. This is cute to me, but my husband finds his libido on overdrive. He wants some action. I can’t decide if it is just the mere mention of sex, or if he’s in some kind of perverted competition with my son. (We are trying to ignore the little one. At 17, she doesn’t need any prompting. I maintain that I’m too young to be a grandma. I have noted, however, that her boyfriend has been exceedingly more demonstrative during this time. I have to think his male ego is in competition as well.)

After a week of being perpetually cut off, I decided to take matters into my own hands. For those of you who are unaware, THIS POST explains that my husband and I don’t really have sex in the marital bed. We usually have sex at the office. In case you don’t know me, that is because we own the business as well as the office building. Being the boss does have its perks, which comes in handy, because this woman has needs!

Today, as I was leaving for work, fully intent on bagging my husband upon my arrival, I noticed that my kitten had taken my knitting and wrapped the entire family room in a kitty-spider-web of gigantic proportions. It took me almost a half an hour to extricate my daughter, who was sleeping on the couch beneath the web totally unaware.

By the time I got to the office, I had a whole four and a half minutes to do the deed. “Take your clothes off, NOW!” took on an entirely new meaning, and if Guinness has a speed record for disrobing, we probably are contenders. We were both ice cold from the drive in. (It’s so close to the house that the car never heats up.) It was the first time we’d made love not using our hands and in four minutes flat.

It was a VERY quick quickie, indeed.

19 Responses

  1. Four minutes? That’s not a quickie. I can out-quick that quickie quickly.

  2. That’s quick for me! How quick can you be? Any quicker than that, and I’ll miss the entire point!

  3. “I see nothing erotic with the way I wash dishes, but obviously I’m missing some magic mojo that I don’t even know I possessed.”

    What’s erotic to him is that he got to eat and you’re not asking him to do the dishes. If you have a dishwasher, it also involves a certain amount of bending and derriere wiggling. If he’s anything like my man, he’s also opportunistic enough to grab said derriere while he gets coffee (or whatever other excuse he uses for being in the kitchen at the time). There’s your foreplay, right there.

  4. We’re a little slower now, but I remember being very young… oh, so long ago, and I’m sure we had many that were not more than three minutes. My husband gets excited watching me do the dishes, too, and I have no idea why. I usually at least get groped. Maybe it’s that my hands are in the water and he thinks I won’t pry his hand off my boob or something.

  5. I’m shocked an disturbed at this discussion. Blogging about sex. Really!

  6. Get me hot enough and I can get there in 2.

  7. *still laughing at the kitty web*

  8. Ina, you must not have a silver bullet! You’d get there a lot quicker than two!

  9. Oh my! Did I just say that? I don’t think so. I think the cat must have typed that one!

  10. I haven’t made it all the way through this post and already I feel a need to explain something: the doing of dishes.

    It isn’t the doing of dishes itself that is sexy. It is a combination of related phenomena. 1) Your bum is visible. 2) You’d probably rather be doing something else.

    Put those two together: bum + something other than doing dishes? Oh yeah. I have a penis here. Well…there you go. That’s the whole of the reasoning.

    And now back to my regular commenting style. I’ve read the rest of the post. Speaking as someone who lives in a frozen wasteland, I’m highly impressed with your wisdom in choosing to not use hands. You are brilliant!

    You may note that this comment was left quite late at night. I think that it is time for me to join the competitive male game. I think I’ll go back to bed and do it again.

  11. Umm..I am almost 39 and yet I feel like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar when I am reading these posts. I am making a quickie exit now. No, hands, did you say? Hmm…

  12. Listen, when the temperature is about 0 degrees (F), neither one of us wants cold fingers groping our private parts. Handless sex makes for more interesting sex, that’s for sure.

    Yes, the kitty web was quite interesting. It’s a good thing I had just started my project, or I would have really been mad.

  13. Quickies are great. So are the meandering day long sessions.

    Oh and I think it’s great that you have sex at the office! I’m also glad that I don’t work for you because I’d be extremely uncomfortable knowing that but given the fact that I don’t work for you I think it’s awesome.

    Corina: I agree with your brief commentary on the silver bullet. woohoo.

  14. Silver bullet, hee hee! I think you guys have been hanging around my blog too long.

  15. I am shocked and distressed.

  16. I was feeling a bit impetuous this evening and I created a new ME! I’ve just tested it and it works. So, I’m considering this comment here to be my grand unveiling.

    I still adore YOU!

  17. Stevo is distressed and shocked? How could that be?

  18. I used to have a silver bullet. I dumped it in a fit of pique one day, entirely unrelated to the poor unoffending object. I miss it dreadfully.

    Four minutes. Impressive, and well organized. What would men do without us?

  19. Perish the thought. They’d obviously have the world messed up in a BIG way.

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