Find Your Level of Slobbishness – For MIB

What most people do not realize is that there are really many levels of slobbishness. Like all things in the world, ideas are not all black or all white. Slobs can be found in many shades of gray. For example:

1. Low Level Slob: These people know where the proper places are, they just choose not to use them immediately. I would consider myself to be a Low Level slob. For example, I have coat hooks in my shoe room, as well as shoe racks. When I come home from work, I will immediately put my coat over a kitchen chair, and kick off my shoes at the door, instead of using the devices meant to store them in a neat and orderly fashion. Later, after I’ve had a glass of wine and something to eat, I will hang my coat up in the closet or on the coat rack, and put my shoes in the shoe rack. A Low Level Slob knows what a garbage can is, and uses it religiously.

Low Level Slobs are easy to clean up after. If you are a Low Level Slob, it will only take a minute or so to go through the room and make it look like something out of House Beautiful.

2. Mid-Level Slob: A Mid-Level Slob  is a Low Level Slob on Adderall. Mid-Level Slobs may have several layers of slobbiness. For the same example above, a Mid-Level Slob will walk into the house, take his or her shoes off in the middle of the room, and drop jacket and purse nearby, right on the floor. Mid-Level Slobs will forget that they brought a cup of cocoa up to their room three nights ago. The cocoa will be gross, but not covered in pneumonia-killing penicillin. Mid-Level Slobs do not always hit the trash can with their trash. They may leave some trash on desk tops or in their bed.

It takes approximately twenty minutes to clean after a Mid-Level Slob. I consider Mid-Level Slobbishness to be extreme messiness with no deep dirt. My son is someone I would consider a Mid-Level Slob.

3. High Level Slob: A High Level Slob needs to be carefully tended, especially if the parents of such slob is a Low Level Slob. High Level Slobs are the type who have to be constantly reminded to keep up with the rest of the family. High Level Slobs will deposit their outerwear wherever the outerwear comes off. This could be right on a stairway. The High Level Slob is a master at surface cleaning. They tend to push all of the dirt on the floor to the edge of their bedroom, thus giving the appearance that the room is clean. High Level Slobs will also leave glasses full of God-knows-what all over their room, and the bacteria growing in them will be in all colors. Some will be oozing white and bubbly. High Level Slobs will take one look and gag while they are throwing the cup in the garbage. If the Low Level mother is watching, the High Level Slob will convulse while cleaning the vessel.

It usually takes about a day and a half to clean the room of a High Level Slob. This is because it takes four hours alone to find the floor. After that, it will take a couple of hours to move the furniture to expose the cat hair, people hair, hair pins, trash and dust bunnies. High Level Slobs do not know that a trash can is for trash. They look upon trash cans as beautiful room accessories. I reserve summer camp as the time to clean out the High Level Slob’s digs. You can also use this time to box up the extraneous crap that the High Level Slob doesn’t even realize she has and put that in the attic.

At either end of the spectrum is the Absolutely Perfect Home Denizen and the Garbage House Inhabitants.

Absolutely Perfect Home Denizens have a home that could be on the pages of Town and Country. Amazingly, they always put everything away, all the time. I personally don’t think these people exist in real life. No one is that perfect. Even Donald Trump must miss the garbage can once in a while. Anyway, I believe the pages of Town and Country are all staged by professionals, and the photos are taken in resort hotels equipped with a full contingent of maids and gardeners.

At the far end of the spectrum are the Garbage House Inhabitants. As a potential home buyer, I was shown a garbage house that was listed for sale. The owner was a physician, but I believe she was consumed by a weird mental illness which made her put everything she owned in the center of the room. I literally walked by a pile of what I considered trash in  each room which was just about my height (5’4″). In said piles were apple cores, old newspapers, clothes, you name it. Another time, I looked at a borderline garbage house, where there was six inches of cat hair on everything. We took one step in and immediately backed up.

Garbage Houses are so named because the only way you can clean them is to procure two or three large dumpsters and throw everything out. I had a tenant once who turned my house into a garbage house. After she moved out, we threw out all the furniture, and forty bags of trash, and proceeded to call the Orkin man on a weekly basis to exterminate the approximately hundreds of thousands of cockroaches that now called my place “home sweet home.”

Truly severe Garbage Houses often make it into your local news, especially if you live in a conservative Midwestern state like Minnesota or Iowa, where a strong Nordic work ethic assumes that most people are Mid-Level Slobs or lower. I’ve seen newscasts where the anchors are visibly shaken by the sight of three dump trucks carting the trash away before the city comes in to demolish what’s left.

On occasion, MIB frets about the condition of his own abode. My rule of thumb is, if your house is not a Garbage House, you’re doing pretty well.

10 Responses

  1. I’m relieved to find that I’m not quite a Garbage House Inhabitant.

    I think I’m a Mid-Level Slob. but I’m married to a High-Level Slob. I also have a psychological disorder that makes me wish I was an Absolutely Perfect Home Denizen but I’m rendered impotent by dirt.

    Now I have to call my therapist.

  2. I think I’m mostly low-level, but descend (ascend?) to mid-level in times of stress.

    Seriously, seriously, my mother-in-law is an Absolutely Perfect Home Denizen. Nothing is ever out of place for more than a minute. She scrubs both bathrooms from floor to ceiling every single day, when there are only two neat elderly people living in the house, and she vacuums the entire house every day. Try having someone like that staying in your house.

  3. My almost-4yo: low level. Probably because…
    Me: mid-level, but might be better if I wasn’t always freaking out about:
    Teenage son: High-level slob. Disgusting child.

  4. I’m absolutely a low level slob. Hubby is medium level.

    My daughter though … high level … will be Garbage House Inhabitant … left to her own devices. *shudder*

  5. Yes, Shawn, I can see my own dear sweet child ascending to Garbage House Inhabitant. Or maybe she’ll repent and go the other way. I know my sister, who I once shared a room with growing up and was dangerously High Level, turned into an almost Absolutely Perfect once she was on her own.

  6. Thanks. I’m busy again today.

  7. It’s nice to imagine I’m doing pretty well. Thank you. I think I have the same disorder as Wanda. Torn between two worlds and drawn to the legendary gleam of the third.

  8. I’m a low level slob but I hate to clean up after people that can and should clean up after themselves, so the house quickly becomes a high level slob of a house!

  9. It’s not the house, Corina. It’s the people!

  10. […] papers, pens, crap, crap and more crap. If the contents of his desk were in a house, it would be a garbage house, no doubt. I’m not sure what color the desktop is. If I were to sit on it today, I’d […]

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