Does Getting Old Really Mean I’m Now Fat and Can Only Wear Ugly Clothes?

It’s going to be my birthday, soon. Really, really soon.

I was hoping to forget it altogether, but unfortunately one cannot get into February without passing up my birthday. After that, I tend to dismiss any notions of age and birthdays until just about twenty days before the next one. Then I freak out as per usual and fret and become horribly depressed. I look at my sagging stomach and my huge ass and my wrinkling skin and sometimes graying hair and shed tears for my misspent youth, thinking the entire time that I shouldn’t have dropped that acid and maybe should have finished college and definitely should have moved to California instead of going the other direction. After the whoo-ha, February arrives like a beacon of hope. I strive anew to make my life less misbegotten. My New Year’s resolution comes the day after my birthday.

Yesterday, as I was going through the mail, I noticed that I now am receiving catalogs for the ugliest clothes on the planet. Surely, fashion trends aren’t spiraling this far downward, are they? The clothes from here, and here, and even here are a testament to the kind of catalog I’m receiving. I still get Victoria’s Secret catalogs, but I notice that they are fewer and far between these days. (Just a note, while I am getting older, I still have boobs, and I still need shoes, and I might be encouraged to wear a miniskirt on occasion.)

These retailers offer clothes that even my mother wouldn’t wear, that is, if she were still alive. My mother could be a tad bit on the chunky side, but she liked a lot of sequins, plunging necklines and transparent blouses, as do sometimes I. There’s none of that in these retailers, my friend. It’s all elastic waistbands, tunic tents and nurses shoes in the most putrid colors of the rainbow. I take one quick look and immediately pitch these glossy advertisements right into the circular file. By the end of the week, they need a dolly to take out my trash. No wonder my mailman has left his post because of back problems!

Then I open up WordPress today and read MimiSuzy’s hysterical post about her struggle with weight loss and that one of her boobs is now lighter than the other. (If you are listening, God, that is the one area where I do NOT need to lose weight!) I laugh, and laugh some more, until I realize that I’m older than Mimi and probably in worse shape.

Now depression has truly reared its ugly head, bringing with it the ugly clothes and the ugly fat molecules that are fast protesting my diet and exercise plans. My dilemma is this: if I do indeed eventually lose the weight I’ve so inauspiciously gained in the last year, I will not be able to treat myself with a cute wardrobe once the extra pounds have adiosed. This, alone, is cause for great alarm and consternation. I mean, really. Where’s the pay-off?
Anyone have any happy pills they are willing to share?

21 Responses

  1. There are no pay-offs, because diets don’t work.

    But being old & fat certainly doesn’t mean you can’t look absolutely fabulous… My mother is proof of that. Every time her 50-year-old, 200+ pound self comes home from shopping, I’m wishing my 20-year-old, 140-pound self shared her size.

    Not that 50 is old. 😛

  2. No happy pills, but I found 3 synthroid in the bottom of my purse. I’d offer them to you, but that’s 3 days worth of operative brain for me…

    And please–two of you would fit in any pair of pants I own. And three in any t-shirt.

  3. Okay, fess up, sister! When is your birthday? Email me! I’m at the end of this month, too. And I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m pretty sure I’m about a year older than you. I’ll guarantee I’m in worse shape.

    I also get these catalogs. Sometimes J.Jill can fool you with the shoes. Look carefully.

    I really like Kohl’s. They have things that are just this side of cutting edge. They’re fashionable, but not too trendy, so that we woman of…wisdom…can also look fun.

    Thanks for the kudos and the plug, though!

  4. Ina, I know I am two years older than you. I read somewhere that you were turning 50. Sorry, I passed that milestone a couple of years ago… I will look at J Jill for Danskos, because it’s the only catalog that has them on sale. But puh-leeze. The clothes aren’t fit for the homeless, much less an artista like me!

  5. Hey, I like Eddie Bauer sometimes.

  6. Ha! Pan! Proved ya wrong, proved ya wrong, proved ya wrong!

    Neener, neener, neener.

    Oh, wait. That makes me old. Forget the taunts, please.

  7. I know exactly what you mean about the ugly clothes. Good LAWRD! I am working on getting some happy pills. When I get them, I’ll gladly share with you! Until then, go to wal*mart. You can buy sweats for 5.99. Ugly? Yes. Comfortable? Definitely.

  8. Eww… I’m trying to stay away from sweats, even if they are comfortable. And I only have one pair of jeans and that pair isn’t mom jeans. I’m keeping J Crew in business. (I buy from the outlet store.) At least the stuff there fits and the colors are young.

    Hmmm… I guess I must be old, since I think there are actually YOUNG colors…

  9. I buy all my clothes (except for undies and socks) at the local YMCA and Salvation Army thrift stores, both of which have clothes for all ages and sizes.

  10. I’m 53 and have had gastric bypass, so I have to be careful not to err on the other side and dress too young and/or sexy. I was relegated to Lane Bryant and Roaman’s for most of my adult life. Now I want to wear the lace up the sides hoochy-Mama jeans I missed out on in my late 20s. Ina is absolutely right about Kohl’s. They have everything from business clothes to hang out clothes that look appropriate for our age and are cute, too. We also have a store here called Bergner’s that carries cute clothing lines in Misses, but I think they’re just in the Midwest. Talk about ugh ugh clothes, my Mom gets catalogs from this place called Blair and another from Old Pueblo Trader and I look through them just to hoot. They’re even worse than Lane Bryant. And wait until you have to buy a mother of the bride or groom dress. They are in the back of the books at the bridal shops. They are just show-stopping horrendous.

  11. Come back baby rock and roll never forgets. 🙂

    I am sure you can still shake ’em on down J. I’ve heard some similar comments from my freshly 50 spouse. I’m 49 and kind of rubbed it in when her AARP stuff arrived to coincide with her birthday. “Can you get me 15% off a Grand Slam at Denny’s?”

    She asked me a few months back if I thought she was dressing”too young” for her age. She’s in pretty good shape, works out etc. The answer was complicated. Heck, you know what I look like. Am I the right person to be asking?

    We’re both a little immature for our ages. It doesn’t “keep us young” or any of that nonsense, but our kind of trendy clothes seem comfortable for us. I told her

    “Maybe a little, but I want you to. You can get away with wearing fun clothes. Anyone who says otherwise can go to hell. We’re a rock and roll couple. Think of all the ‘age appropriate’ conduct our peers conform to. Mom hair, mom clothes, dad slacks. Those people are boring.”

    Ooo weee ooo I like just like Buddy Holly. And you’re Mary Tyler Moore. I don’t care what they say about us anyway.” -Weezer

  12. Vicky, I know Blair and if I ever get one of those catalogs, I am going on a rampage. You’ll hear about it on the eleven o’clock news.

    Bret, thanks for stopping by. I miss your rock and roll face and your otherwise downright weirdness. You sound about as tactful as my own dear sweet husband, who claims I have no fat. (There’s nothing worse than a person saying there isn’t any when God and everyone else knows there is.) When I’m out in California this month, I’m shopping for those rock’n’roll clothes. I need some.

  13. Hmmm The Big Evil Corporate Giant has a lot of really cute clothes that fit my 200+lb body just fine. Are they to young? Maybe, but just because I am a granny doesn’t mean I have to dress like one.

    (Mom jeans shouldn’t be!)

  14. You’re as young as you feel, dear. For example, my mother is twenty, and I’ve been dead for three weeks.

  15. I can’t even start to comment because the comments here are amazing.

    Teaspoon: I love you. Your cutting edge and cute. I want to be you

    David: You made me laugh out loud so that the woman in the neighboring office popped her head in and said I sounded like I was having way too much fun.

  16. David needs to be resuscitated. Perhaps a little mouth to mouth is in order?

  17. I got hung up on the “misspent youth”. I started thinking of my own misspent youth. I think if I got to do it again, I’d misspend it again — perhaps in a different way. Isn’t that the point of being young? Too squander it foolishly? Then again, I don’t see why one should change. But, like Bret W. said above, I’m immature too.

    Regarding David’s comment, I can only say that I’m thinking that instead of celebrating my 29th birthday annually, I’m going to start celebrating it biweekly.

    Finally, HEY! You’ve know when my birthday is (my real one — not my fake facebook one) for more than a year and I still don’t know quite when yours is. Of course it is quite possible that you’ve forgotten and that I knew and forgot. Hmm. Whatever. They’re just days like any other day.

  18. I asked this before, but what weight are you talking about? You couldn’t have put on that much since we met.

  19. Um, we all had to keep up with my son, and he ate like there was no tomorrow.

  20. Hmm…I’m no help. I like J. Jill and Eileen Fischer.

  21. I used to like them both. But now their clothes seem dowdy to me.

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