Well, It’s Official…

My lab tests from my yearly physical exam are in, and the results are this: I have dangerously high cholesterol. This, even though I take medication for it religiously and fasted for more than 24 hours before the test.

I also know that I inherited the high cholesterol gene from both parents. One died of a heart attack, and one survived two heart attacks and an angioplasty. I am a walking time bomb, a heart attack in the making. I know what I have to do.

I know what my weakness is. It’s food. I know this and my doctor knows this, because she enclosed a nice little leaflet telling me which foods to stay away from and which to embrace as My Lord and Savior. Unfortunately for me, it looks like I’ll be taking the Bland City route to good health.

There is a heavy curtain of sadness at the Demonic house today. I am mourning the loss, yes, the loss of extreme meals. Let’s face it. There’s nothing better than a really nice hunk of prime rib that has been roasting in its own juices, bathing in a crust of homegrown rosemary and slathered in garlic. If it’s Kobe beef, all the better. I’m a real fan of a nicely grilled veal chop, especially after it’s been marinating for a few hours in lemon juice and oregano. Last Sunday, I made the best friggin’ au gratin potatoes on the planet, using heavy cream and Gruyere cheese. The potatoes melted in the mouth and the texture of the cheese sauce was velvety and smooth. It was so tasty, I could have eaten the entire pan for my dinner.

My crab cakes are to die for. There’s very little filler, yes, people, it’s mostly all crab and Old Bay spice, with some egg and mayonnaise to hold the lumps together. I also make killer crab stuffed mushrooms, which have different cheeses in the stuffing and are crowned with a dusting of Parmesan. And let’s not forget lobster! Lobster! My favorite food! It is stripped from my diet like a son going to Sing-Sing is torn from his mother. Usually I won’t even use butter to dip the lobster in. A good lobster needs no butter, folks. There’s not only lobster tails, there are lobster corn chowders (mine kick ass), lobster bisque, lobster stir fry.

Then, of course, there’s the Grand Marnier souffle at the Ritz Carlton. Pop the delicate top with your spoon and pour the liqueur in. Accompanied by a little scoop of homemade ice cream, this dessert is heaven on earth. It’s the perfect end to a rich and heavy meal. And cheesecake! Oh, my God! I am mourning the loss of cheesecake, rich and rewarding, with perfectly dry graham cracker crusts and strawberry sauce toppings. Oh, my, and Godiva! The doctor said I had to give up chocolate! The horror of it all! My favorite Godiva is the dark chocolate with cool mint interior. No wait, it’s the wonderfully yummy raspberry filled starfish. No, wait, it’s the ganache centers. No, wait! It has to be oozing complexity of buttery soft caramel mixed with the luscious creaminess of pure milk chocolate.

Holy cow! Don’t tell me! I have to limit my intake of wine!!! The nerve of that woman! Less than one glass a day? And I have such an amazing array of wine in my cellar, too. Mr. Demonic is wringing his hands in joy. No longer will he have to share bottles with me. No, he can consume all of that liquid gold himself.

Speaking of Mr. Demonic, I’m most annoyed. He eats the exact same food I do, and yet his cholesterol is less than 200!

Oh, yes, and the last thing. Exercise. I have to exercise now. I was starting that this week, I was just waiting for my carnivorous son to go back to his West Coast home.

I’ve had my epiphany. I don’t wanna die! I’ll be good, I promise!

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20 Responses

  1. Oh, my. I feel like running screaming from this post. I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure (yes, it runs in my family, too). So I’m under orders to cut back on salt and increase fruit and veg.

    Last night, I was commenting on how much I really just wanted to throw and handful of SALT onto my plate! I’ve never been big on the table salt, but I’m not used to having so little in my food.

  2. Try sea salt, K. It’s supposed to have less sodium. I like the taste of it, and there are different kinds.

  3. I cut out eggs last year when the doctor told me he wanted to cut my cholesterol. I’m diabetic so I have to maintain my cholesterol at a lower rate than non diabetics. I was having two eggs per day before that . Now I have only egg beaters. I think I have had real eggs maybe four times in the past year.

    And meat. I only have one serving per week now. And one serving of fish per week, too. The rest of the time I go veggie. It’s funny because at first I thought it would be very difficult to do but it actually isn’t. Now, when I eat things I cut out on my own (because the doctor didn’t tell me to cut anything out, he just gave me medicine) I feel guilty and can’t enjoy it so I just don’t do it.

  4. If I lived where you did, I’d be eating a lot more fresh fruit and veggies. My son doesn’t eat meat at all when he’s at his home. Part of it is because where he is, most people are militant vegetarians. Part of it is because he’s too cheap to buy it. The oranges here right now are particularly distasteful. They’re so beautiful, but they take like wood!

    I really have to work out more often. I think that would help a ton!

  5. I went through this sort of thing when I had gastric bypass surgery. Food had been my best friend, my comforter. I love bread, especially real French baguettes, not the stuff you get at Wal Mart for $1 a loaf, but the real thing. After the bypass, bread forms a ball in my tiny stomach and it’s not a pleasant thing. But I can take one bite without consequence. So I got myself through lots of my mourning for food I loved by telling myself I could have one bite of anything I wanted. But that might not be a help in your circumstances. I didn’t realize wine had anything to do with cholesterol. I thought red wine was supposed to be good for lowering it, actually. Middle age just sometimes sucks.

  6. My cholesterol, and especially the triglycerides, are dangerously high “for someone (your) age” as two different doctors put it. It’s somehow hard to get this into my head, although heart disease runs in the family. The hardest thing for me is cutting down on soft drinks and sweets; I keep thinking if I exercise enough I can go ahead and drink another Coke…

  7. Man, as a “militant vegetarian” myself, I couldn’t eat *anything* at your house! 😉 Maybe the au gratin potatoes, actually…those sound absolutely delicious.

    I’m really sorry that you have to cut down on foods that you love. That royally sucks. If you need suggestions on healthy, veg food, let me know. But why do you have to cut down on your wine intake? That just might be the last straw for me…

  8. I’m genetically high also, Pan, and let’s just be honest right here–you may do everything they tell you and still have high cholesterol.

    I take my pills, and I try to exercise whenever I can, and eat higher fiber, yaddayadda–but I’m not going to make myself crazy. Huh-uh. Better to be dead than to wish you were.

    Fortunately, I haven’t eaten like you do–well, I was going to say 30 years, but really? ever. The biggest thing is not to try to make all the changes at once. Find substitutes–make it a challenge. You’ll be amazed at how much is actually possible.

    Hang in there! 🙂

  9. I have an entirely different way of looking at this.

    I figure that if I do as I want to do, I’ll probably knock ten years off of my life.

    That will be the last ten years, which I understand are usually pretty sucky anyway.

    I opt to eat,drink and be merry today, for when I’m in my 80’s, it’s all about Depends and knee replacements anyhow.

  10. Poor thing! I’m afraid the chocolate thing would do me in!

  11. Hey, isn’t dark chocolate good for you? I get the Dove dark chocolate bars as a treat for myself sometimes…

  12. I think that exercise and eating healthy foods is good not so much because it prevents heart problems but because it makes them survivable.

    Oh. And, I’m in that same boat with you. And I still adore you. I suppose this really means we’re going to have to change sandwiches. At least it won’t be alone.

  13. Subway veggie sandwiches are the bomb-diggity, ABS; however, I think I need to stay away from bread.

    I used to use the Ina Diet Strategy. She’s right about being in diapers in old age. A real bummer. I told my kids I was living to 109 just to bother them, and I like to keep my promises.

  14. What’s really depressing is when you really don’t eat any saturated fats or cholesterol, you watch your sugar intake, you don’t drink, you exercise five times a week, and your cholesterol is still 285 and you’re only 35.

  15. Oooo…. Now that IS depressing.

  16. Yeah, no kidding. However, at this point, I’m not really seeing a down side to dropping dead before I’m 70. The only thing I really have going for me is that my blood pressure is ridiculously low, which is especially odd given my stress level. But my feeling is that if I’m genetically wired to die young, I’m not sure there’s much to be gained by arguing. Either it will happen, or it won’t, you know?

  17. Hah! That’s an idea. Instead of cleaning up, I could make bread.

    I think david has a point.

  18. Yes, but David always has a point. 🙂

  19. I haven’t had my cholesterol checked since I was 20. Back then it was 114. I recently found out that my tiny little mom has high cholesterol, so I should probably get checked.

    I’m gonna be hella pissed if I have high cholesterol.

    You made me so frickin’ hungry, I could kill you.

  20. Sorry. Every time I read this post, I get hungry too. But now I have to make do with my 13 almonds, instead of eating a piece of pizza.

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