Candy A@@ Men, Or The Centipede Saga

I’m unhappy to say that a contingent of monster centipedes have been storming my office this morning.

Because the building is made of cement block, it is a haven for the hundred-legged creatures. It is also damp and creepy in the basement, a perfect breeding ground for centipedes and roly-polies. Mr. Demonic, who is incredibly “thrifty,” does not believe in pest control for the office environment. This, even though he despises centipedes. Mr. Demonic’s father used to taunt the Demonic children with horror stories regarding centipedes. Among common stories are those where the centipede is rearing up on its “hind legs” and going into attack mode. (Attacking a person, not another bug.) This led to an irrational fear of them, which he has passed on to our children.

A very Healthy Grown Man who works for me grabbed me by the shoulders to place me in harm’s way between him and the centipede. He also shares an irrational fear of centipedes. My Office Girl #1 smashed that bug into smithereens. That was the second one, which at only about three inches long, was rather small. The first one was five inches long and translucently shimmery, almost like a Las Vegas showgirl centipede. Office Girl #1 tried to fell that one barehanded using only a Kleenex to protect her. The centipede slipped behind a partition in Healthy Grown Man’s cube, never to be seen (yet) again.

Healthy Grown Man was so spooked, he moved from his desk to one right around the corner from me.

I am amazed that not only Mr. Demonic, but Healthy Grown Man is scared of a small bug. They outweigh the centipede by about 180 and 250 pounds respectively. I’m ashamed to say that only Office Girl #1 and I were on the offensive.

My immediate thought was that if under attack by a foreign terrorist group (or dudes from the hood), the women in this office would be defending the lives of our candy a@@ men.

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15 Responses

  1. Not surprising. That’s the way it always is!

  2. I can’t say anything. I feel the same way about praying mantises.

  3. You know why we hide from little bugs? To show our vulnerable side. That way, you’ll think we’re tender and want to take us home and have sex with us. Well…not just sex — sex where since we’re all tender, we don’t have to do any of the work.

    OK. That’s just a speculation. Bugs don’t freak me out. You know my irrational fear. I’m keeping it ’cause it is so improbable. Hmm. Maybe this is just another example showing that I really am a woman happily ensconced in a man’s body.

  4. I like most bugs. I don’t like cockroaches and Colorado potato beetles, but other than that, I can live with the bug world. Even though I’m small, I outweigh most bugs enough to kill them dead.

  5. I don’t mind them when they’re alive provided they aren’t biting me.

  6. Maybe you could provide those big brave men their own cans of RAID!

  7. My candy a@@ man is great at bugs. Just don’t ask him to climb on the roof.

  8. Oh, mine won’t do that either, Shawn. I had to climb on the roof to adjust the surveillance camera. It’s a flat roof, so it’s not like you’re going to slip off or anything.

  9. Kevin protects me from the dead birds, and I protect him from the slugs.

  10. Oh! Now I want Kevin.

  11. Slugs are rather gross. I can handle dead birds though. I had one die in the back seat of my car as we were racing to the veterinarian.

  12. Erm — as a co-owner of the business, can you not override Mr. Demonic’s thriftiness?

  13. My son, who is scared of neither dead things nor bugs, is going to be a hit on the dating market.

    I pick up bugs and take them outside. Then I feel guilty about possibly separating them from their tiny bug families.

  14. Mr. Rochester. I complain about Mr. Demonic’s thriftiness, but actually I need him to keep my shoe shopping in check. Besides, I don’t have a problem with bugs. He does.

    Heathenly, your son sounds like quite the catch. My daughter would like him! She’s afraid of spiders. And centipedes.

  15. I cannot blame them. I absolutely despise centipedes..they may even have evil powers..not sure,so so so creeeepy.

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