Various Items Someone Should Invent

1. Smell-o-Internet. If Al Gore really wants to win another Nobel prize and make his claim to fame, he should honestly consider this. Just think of the possibilities. My internet boyfriend could smell me. I could smell the bouquet of a bottle of wine before purchase. Or you could smell flowers, or chocolate, or big honking donuts without leaving your desk. If people could smell porn sites, maybe they wouldn’t go there. If we could smell garbage, maybe we’d do a better job recycling.

2. A recorder for people on hold. Ever wonder what those people are saying while they are sitting on hold getting madder and madder? A two-way hold button would be a fantastic invention. While the caller is on hold, the phone will also record any noises they make. This would be a wonderful marketing ploy. I could take all of those conversations and put them on the internet or on CD and sell them. Like “Girls Gone Wild” except everyone would have their clothes on. This would be taking entertainment to a higher level than regular reality shows.

3. Since I’m on the subject of phones, another handy invention would be a zapper placed on your telephone for telemarketing callers. Since a lot of these are automated, it would have human and mechanical capabilities. For humans, it would emit a high pitched noise before shocking the caller with an electrical current of enough voltage to send the person flying across the room. For the automated callers, the current would be much stronger, as to permanently disable the server and hard drive of the offending computer caller. My bet is that the telemarketing bizz would show a sharp decrease in the workforce.

4. Vitamins that don’t smell. I hate vitamins because they smell, and I know I should take them. I become highly nauseous when opening the bottle and can barely choke one down with eight ounces of water, a piece of toast, a half cup of coffee and a small glass of orange juice. After all of that, it still feels like it will come back up. You’d think the vitamin manufacturers would want to sell more vitamins, not less. A hint: chocolate flavored vitamins! Make mine Godiva please.

5. Squirrel birth control. If you saw the army of squirrels around here, you’d know why. Why is it that we look at rats like they’re rodents, but we look at squirrels like they are a fluffy little animal? Get with it people! Squirrels are rodents, the same as rats!

6. Garden burgers that taste like real meat. Tofutti that tastes like Ben and Jerry’s. Bran cereal that tastes like anything except twigs and bark.

7. Cars that wash themselves. I haven’t washed mine since last spring. Part of the reason is because I’m too busy to go to the car wash, even the automated one. Another big reason is because every other day some sort of precipitation falls out of the sky, thus making my car just as dirty as the day before. A car that gives itself its own oil change would be a good idea too.

I have more, but I think I’d better go back to work now. I can see a Part II in my future.


10 Responses

  1. Ok- smell-o-porn is just wrong. I prolly wont be able to concentrate on any of the movies I watch today, thanks.
    Oh, the phone-hold-recorder is just bad, for me anyway, I’d prolly say something incriminating.

  2. Me too. But can you imagine what fun would that be?

  3. For reasons that are completely beyond me, I cannot sign on today. Hence the not normal linky things. I’m me anyway.

    I wanted to say about the smell-o-internet that I think “The Fragrance of Panties” is my second most popular post. (I was gonna check that but I can’t right now).

    I think the problem with garden burgers isn’t just that they don’t taste like real meat. It’s that they try to make them taste like real meat and it fails miserably. If they tried to make them taste like a yummy veggie sandwiches they’d be fine. If one wants meat flavour then one should have real meat.

    As for vitamins and chocolate. Yes! I think even more things could be chocolatized.

  4. I think you have waaaayyyy too much time on your hands!

    Garden burgers…it depends on the brand. I find Boca Burgers are very close to real in their taste and texture. Burger King sells a garden burger that is quite good. I don’t know if they use their own brand or another one. There are some you get at the grocery store, Eat Well, I think the brand is, that are very good, indeed.

    I think in the past year since giving up meat, I have tried about twenty or thirty kinds. Maybe two or three brands have been good. The others are not wonderful, but as long as you know ahead of time that they’re not great, you won’t be expecting greatness.

  5. I’d rather eat a portobello mushroom as a burger than a garden burger. It’s not meat, and it tastes great. I’ve never tried zucchini, but I’m thinking thickly sliced and quickly grilled, and it would be great on a bun. Hmm… Maybe I’ll try that next summer when I have too many zucchini.

  6. I’m thinking just some fresh grilled assorted veggies atop a grilled portobello with a splash of balsamic vinegar, a few leaves of cold greens for tingle, a little grating of cheese (your choice) on a whole wheat or multi-grain bread.

    I’m also in favor of scent-deprived vitamins too.

  7. 1) Yuck!

    2) Hehehe

    3) I’d buy one of those!

    4) Viactiv makes a multivitamin chocolate chew. They have Milk Chocolate and Chocolate Cherry. Both are tasty.

    5) Spider birth control should come first.

    6) Don’t expect them to taste like meat, but tasting good would be a step up.

    7) It should vacuum itself too.

  8. Oh, Shawn. It sure should #7!

  9. I’m against #2, but I wholehartedly support #6.

  10. […] People Should Invent – Part II Posted on March 14, 2008 by pandemonic I was thinking about this post today. The reason is because I’m bored and thought I would go through all my old posts. When […]

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