An Irregularity: Question From Your Son That Every Mother Longs to Hear

You could say that I have a very good relationship with my son. Unlike my teenage daughter who is secretive to a fault, he’s always talked to me frankly about many things. He knows how I react (usually there’s no reaction, I have to play it cool), so he enjoys bouncing things off me. Sometimes he makes stuff up just to cause a reaction. He gets that from his dad’s side of the family. Sometimes the topics are things I’d rather not know about, but I listen anyway.

I received an email from this 20-year-old college son today. It was just two sentences. I wish I could describe it, but my inner decorum won’t allow me, so I will reproduce the entire email here:

“So Mai [his girlfriend] takes a dump 1 time every 4 days. Any suggestions on how we can get things movin in there?”

My first reaction after laughing my ass off (thank you, son, for bringing some levity into my otherwise drab and morbidly morose existence) was “what the f***? Shouldn’t you be practicing?”

My second reaction was “Oh, my God!”

That’s because he takes after his father. If you read this post, you’d know what I am talking about. My husband can talk poo ad nauseaum. (And believe me, I’m pretty nauseous if I allow him to do so.) Me, if it leaves my body and I flush it down, that’s it. I don’t wave farewell; I don’t deliver eulogies; I don’t review the size, texture or color; I don’t look back. The rest of the family is an entirely different story.

While my son and his girlfriend were here for Christmas, he and his dad tried valiantly to suck me into a poo-laden conversation. I refused to participate, except to say that I’m regular. I regularly do it every day. In fact, I regularly do it every morning right after my one cup of coffee. My regularity is of the atomic clock-setting variety.

My son, as well, is regularly regular. On the other hand, my husband is totally irregular. A week or so may elapse before he goes. This just occurred last week. Since I don’t keep track, I didn’t realize this was the problem until I made a comment on how big his stomach was getting. The reason this was noticeable is because the rest of him is thin. Mr. D’s reply was “well, I haven’t taken a dump in a week!” to which I replied, “EWW! Don’t tell me!”

Back to the email: I don’t know what to tell the young man. His girlfriend is a vegetarian, so she gets plenty of roughage. My husband eats twigs and bark for breakfast, so he gets plenty of fiber too. Both my son and I are carnivores who detest cereal made from twigs and bark, so what does that tell you?

I’m thinking about not answering that email at all. I don’t want to become swallowed whole into the vortex that is poo-talk.

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11 Responses

  1. Up until about … 6 months ago I’d say … I used to want to talk about poo all the time. I can still but the desire has left me. I don’t bring it up myself. But since you did, I’ll say some stuff.

    I’ve found that the 100% all entirely bran cereal that I have most mornings makes the consistency the next day regular. Hmm. Then again, you’ve already mentioned twigs and bark. Mommy used to refer to that kind of food as ‘dirt’. “What are we having for supper?” “Dirt.” “Yum.” Hmmph. I changed the subject.

    I think it’s sweet that your son is paying attention to the health and welfare of his sweetie’s body.

  2. Tell him she should ask her own mom!

    This was funny. I cannot even imagine anyone but Dr. Oz having a discussion like this. Grossomundo!

  3. Arg. I thought I commented here. Am I going into spam land?

  4. Yes, I de-spammed you, ABS.

  5. Corina, her own mom told her she was cutting her off and to come home. Then she stopped talking to her. That was three weeks ago. I doubt if her mom will help with her gastrointestinal problems.

    And yes, ABS, it’s nice that he’s so loving. I think. I hope.

  6. I’ve thought about posting about my son’s regularity (I have a really funny story about it) but I figured since he’s only nine it would be too much of an invasion of his privacy. Remind me in a few years.

  7. Weird. The spammification thing. I commented on David yesterday and that went into moderation. Weird too. I bet there’s a rational explanation for my comment on David’s blog going there — hmm — I’m so confident that I’m not bothering to ask and since he will see it there he’ll know things are going to to moderation so I’m don’t need to tell him about it. The spammification is almost certainly separate and I’m not investigating that ’cause I bet it is beyond my ability to comprehend. That is, I think it probably doesn’t make any sense. Heh. I have an ego and I’m still not quite awake.

  8. I’ve been thrown into moderation too, ABS. I wonder why? I’m trying to imagine that David doesn’t like us anymore.

  9. I’m pretty sure he still likes us. He must be having some issues with nutjobs.

  10. First, you should be proud that your son can talk to you about anything and does.

    Second, tell him she should drink more water. You can’t “go” if you’re dehydrated and most people in the US are. If that doesn’t work, then apple juice. (the good stuff not the mostly water and sugar stuff)

  11. Can I give you his email address, Shawn? Because I’m not going there… 😉

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