The Case of the Negatively Charged Man

I have a theory about my husband, Mr. Demonic. I believe with all of my heart and soul that he is a negatively charged man.

This theory is not based upon the way he is inside. Inside his head, he’s extremely positive. He’s so positive, it’s scary. He cannot see the mass mayhem that is our current economy. The sun always comes up in the morning, and it’s always bright and yellow.

He’s also not negatively charged because of his credit history. We have the most immaculate credit history of anyone I know. Our FICO score is over 800.

No, my husband possesses a different form of negativity.

His body is completely taken over by negatively charged ions.

I know this sounds extremely scientific and possibly harebrained, but I have reasons for my suspicions.

My husband has a bad relationship with cell phones.

My proof? He has had three cell phones in the last two years. Every time he gets a cell phone, it immediately is unable to hold a charge. His first cell phone was brand new. Within six months, it was completely dead. I changed the battery. The same thing happened. The second cell phone was my old cell phone from three years ago. It was identical to the one he had. I had never had a problem with it. As soon as he started using it, it stopped holding a charge. I replaced the SIM card and the battery, and the battery charger. It didn’t help. His phone had to be charged every few hours.

Monday night, he left a mall and dropped his cell phone. I reported it lost or stolen, but not before some guy snagged it and made several calls to Yemen. Not only several quick calls, but several calls in excess of 60 minutes. (I hope he wasn’t a terrorist.) So, after calling the cell phone company, I dragged out a brand spanking new cell phone, still in the box, with a brand spanking new SIM card and new charger.

This morning he told me his cell phone won’t hold a charge.

The other proof to my theory is that he cannot get a call inside of our office. The building is cinder block, and there are no big towers or anything to detract from a cell phone signal. The towers are very nearby. I can get calls on my cell phone inside of the office, but he can’t. I get text messages, I get email. He gets static. Other people, who are on our plan and use our phones, can get calls and text messages in the building. He gets nothing. Heck, I can get calls in the basements of several malls, where you are not supposed to get any reception at all.

Mr. Demonic has long blamed his problems on our current carrier, who we’ve had for almost three years. I will decline to mention the name, because I have no problem with them, their phones or their service. I’m especially bowled over by their service. Even though they are probably going to charge us for those international calls to Yemen, they were very nice and sympathetic on the phone.

Mr. Demonic is another story all together.  He gets very angry when I mention that he has negatively charged ions. Now that I think of it, they don’t only affect his cell phone, but also anything electronic. He has a hard time with DVD players and remote controls.

If there is a scientist or a doctor out there with a possible cure, please contact me. I’m running out of cell phones.

12 Responses

  1. Wow. What a theory!

    It’s sad that he might never experience the joys of having an active mobile phone but I bet there’s a positive side to this situation, and I mean positive in a realistic/practical kind of way…. maybe that deserves another post 😛

    Nice blog!

  2. Hey, it’s possible. There are people who can’t wear a watch with a battery because they zap them constantly.

  3. Maybe that’s the problem with my phone. My brother has the same issue. Maybe it’s genetic.

  4. Do watches stop working when he wears them?

  5. I was going to ask about watches, too. I have a brother, the only one of three left, that cannot wear a watch because it stops. He has never been able to, not even when they were hand wound watches. They just stopped working when he wore them but when one of my other brothers wore them, they were fine.

    One of my sisters has the same problem but only during parts of the year, not year round.

    My daughter has this thing where she will be driving by street lights and they go out when she goes by. It happens to her all the time, usually several in a row will do that. On a 20 mile drive to work one night, no fewer than 10 street lights went out when she drove by them. Pretty strange if you ask me!

  6. My husband won’t wear a watch. He doesn’t like jewelry or things on his wrist, and besides, you can look at your cell phone for the time. 🙂

    Corina, that’s really weird and almost creepy that your entire family is highly charged!

  7. Consider a walkie talkie instead. Two tin cans with a string?

  8. That is quite, quite interesting. It makes sense that different people would have different literal levels of cellular energy.

  9. Cell phone batteries work for me. Computer laptop batteries don’t.

  10. I don’t think he’s negatively charged at all — he’s perfect the way he is. Cell phones are evil and try to infuse all sorts of wonky ideas into people’s brains. Let him be cell-phoneless and just be at your beck and call by being physically present.

    I know this isn’t a democracy. That’s why I’m casting a vote!

    BING! I suddenly started feeling quite Bongalicious. And now I’m done surfing for a bit. Maybe it is age. My stamina is down.

  11. Science is all about empirically testing theories, right? Well, it sounds to me like you’ve done a fair bit of experience-based testing and observed the results carefully – you’ve even tried control groups.

    So, I say this theory, viz. that Mr. Demonic is negatively charged, is conclusively proved.


  12. […] had a conversation gone wrong regarding his own lost phone and $300 worth of calls to Yemen. See HERE for that wonderful tale of woe. Our contract is up at the end of July, and I didn’t want to do […]

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