Levels of Fatness

I was just thinking of fatness.

I used to be what I thought was “painfully” thin. People would comment that I was so thin, I would blow away in the wind. Actually, where I grew up, it was always very windy in March. Gale force winds around 80 miles per hour. Indeed, I have blown away in the wind.

I hated that joke about turning sideways, sticking out my tongue and looking like a zipper. What genius thought up that stupid wise crack?

The wonderful thing about the olden days was that I could eat and eat and eat and not gain an ounce. I vividly remember eating double Whoppers with cheese like they were no big deal.

Then I went to Germany and lived there for nine months. I went from a bone-thin 92 pounds to 105, thanks to bratwurst, jager schnitzel, spaetzle and Greek food. (Yes, Greek food.) When I came home, American food suddenly was bland and tasteless, and I lost the 13 pounds I had gained.

The best job I ever had was at the Post Office, or so my husband says. Somehow, I wrangled a position pushing mail around on huge carts. My job was to get it from elevator, push it over to a floor scale, have it weighed, then push it to where people were waiting (dejectedly) to sort it. Many of the carts weighed in excess of thousands of pounds. I kept all my slips and totaled them, just for fun. Some nights I would push around 50,000 pounds of mail. I was slim and trim, lean and mean when I worked there. I had arm muscles and leg muscles that went for miles.

I met my husband at the Post Office. (He worked there, too.) My husband hasn’t done much in the meantime to keep me lean and mean, slim and trim. In fact, he is the reason why I am a mother, twice over. Pregnancy will make a woman fat in no time at all. Sure there’s a baby in there, and some other stuff that has no purpose in a woman’s life. In fact, after gaining 42 pounds with the first one, I cried and gave up getting on the scale again. He wasn’t due for another three weeks. I jumped up and down trying to get him out of there.

My husband is also a consummate chow hound. He’s a gastronome. He loves food. I do too, but I have to stop eating before my buttons pop off, and I do. He doesn’t. He has very little self control. Anyway, at 6′ 3″, he can hide excess poundage pretty well. I, on the other hand, am a dwarf at 5′ 3 and one half inches, so ten pounds of extra blubber on me looks like I’m pregnant again.

My husband and I also indulge in really nice wines, usually from California, although we are expanding our repertoire by jumping to the continent of Australia. These days we are also auditioning the fine Spanish wines, like Temperanillo and Riojas. Wine might look light, but it has just as many calories as a beer. Maybe more so, since it’s heavily sugared.

Since my son left for college three years ago, I’ve gained a good 15 pounds. I’d like to have my son as a back-up scapegoat in case the husband one falls through. I can no longer wear tiny little slip dresses with spaghetti straps. That is because when I put those on, I look like a sausage in a casing two sizes too small. I threw away my over-sized tee shirts, because I felt someone of my age should wear something a little more formal. Now I am kicking myself over that move. I could use roomy and comfortable lounge wear.

When I look in the mirror, I see something on my stomach that wasn’t there before. It’s FAT. It’s rather unappetizing, but I’ve seen worse on others, so I’m counting myself lucky.

I don’t have time to exercise, and with the exception of yard work, am pretty sedentary. I like food too much to go on a diet, although I’m thinking of buying my daughter’s ADD pills. They’ve worked wonders on her. I tried several diet “aids” but the side effects weren’t worth it. Plus, I didn’t lose an ounce.

Damn it. I sure wish I was thin.

12 Responses

  1. I never heard the one about the zipper, Pandemonic. But that’s kind of funny. Sorry.

    The belly fat may just be too much sugar? This seems to be a problem for tons of women. I don’t think exercise will help but less sugar might. I heard that on Dr. Phil or something (great source, huh?).

  2. I tend to use food as a do-it-yourself anti-depressant, a fairly stupid form of “self-medication.”

    When I actually came down with clinical depression, I lost quite a bit of weight.

    I thought about writing a weight-loss book to get rich (so I could eat as much rich food as I wanted whenever I felt like it).

    (Here’s a current rating of best-selling diet books:


    The authors of the above books can eat out whenever and whereever they please.)

    My book would have been titled:


    However, I recovered and went back to my usual border-line, unclinical depression. I do work out fairly regularly on the treadmill and dig in the garden on weekends. I have lost about 25 pounds over the last three months.

    No doubt, there is a golden mean, or a mean golden, where I will be just depressed enough to be thin enough. I probably won’t ever be enough of an underoverachiever to live updidown to the classic cliche: “You can’t be too thin or too rich.”

  3. I lost a pound a week when I went back to work, but gained it all back in the last two when I quit smoking. 😦

  4. If I’ve actually lost any weight in the past month or so, which I doubt, it’s now all to do again. *sigh* It could be worse, Pan, you could have NEVER looked good in spaghetti straps. And throwing out the loose t-shirts might never have been an option. Like–oh–everyone else you know. 🙂

  5. I can’t stand Dr. Phil, Anners, and if he said that, I really can’t stand him… I no longer eat white sugar, only raw, and according to him, my next step would be to eat none. No way.

    Mr. Modesty, you have hit the nail on the head. I mean about depression being a great weight loss cure. I was severely depressed about ten years ago (long story, some other time) and lost ten pounds in as many days. I guess it’s time for another earth-shattering calamity, not that I would wish my bad situation on anyone again, nor hope for it for myself.

    Well, now I am really depressed, knowing that Shawn and LFC lost weight. 😛

  6. I too can report the benefits of serious depression as a weight loss aid, but I don’t recommend it. I’m happy to say that my weight and my IQ have been almost exactly the same number for the past 5 years, and I’m fine with that.

    I don’t know … I tend to think that thinness is overrated, personally. Most celebrities/models freak me out. Maybe I’m weird that way, but I can’t find a woman attractive if I think she has sharp edges that might poke a hole in me or if she looks like she could knock me out in a fight. Like the Sex in the City girls? Scary as all hell.

  7. All the rubenesque ladies together, now.

    David, I love you!! 🙂

  8. I used to have sharp edges. Those were my hips. I’m not sure there are bones there anymore.

  9. I hate to bring this up Pan, but we aren’t getting younger either. Once we hit the big M, the pounds come on!

    Yeah, I remember skinny. For me it’s been a while but I do remember it. Vaguely.

  10. I never heard the zipper one either, but someone once compared me to a Cambodian refugee. No danger of that happening now.

  11. Wanda, you’re a cut up! And Corina, quit reminding me…

  12. Odd – when I had serious depression, I ate like a horse and gained weight. Then when they put me on the SSRI pills I gained even more. It has taken me over 2 years to get back to anywhere near a comfortable weight… and even then I’ve had to accept that I’ll never be as skinny as I was in my twenties.

    If you mainly gain weight around your middle, Pan, you might want to try fish oil supplements. Dunno why, but a friend recommended them to me and they’re certainly working – I used to store most of my fat there, too. 😉

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