Defining Moments in the War Against the Squirrels

I despise squirrels.

There. I’ve said it. For those of you who don’t know me well or think I am joking, well, step back. If you’re a card carrying member of PETA, look out.

I must admit, I do like most animals. I like my cat, Maxx Attaxx. He’s mental, spastic, and bites hard, but is endearing in many other ways. For example, he keeps my feet warm when I’m sleeping. He also catches bugs, and kills them with gusto.

I like dogs too. I especially like well-behaved dogs, ones that will actually do what you say. I love dogs who don’t poop in my yard. (I might like dogs, but this house is dog-less at the moment. If there’s dog poop in my yard, that means it doesn’t belong here, and some human was negligent about removing said feces.) I also like horses, birds and animals in zoos. I like cows, but I have no qualms about eating a hamburger or wearing leather shoes. Sure, they have huge, sad eyes, but that doesn’t bother me. I know they are dumber than a box of rocks, and someone has to eat them. *Raises hand*

However, squirrels are different. Squirrels are a scourge upon this land. Squirrels should be eliminated by all means possible. They are glorified rodents, dressed up in a “pretty” poofy squirrel tail. Get them wet, and they’re just a big rat.

There are easily several thousand squirrels within the one block area that contains my home. I kid you not. There are black ones, brown ones, and albino ones. I blame the overpopulation of these rodents on the complacency of some of the squirrel sympathizers in my community. Some people actually think that squirrels are cute. They feed them peanuts. There’s a retired doctor down the street who feeds them Krispy Kremes and giant bagels. I know this, because the squirrels bring their haul down to our yard and try to hide it. We’ve found pastries in my husband’s garden shoes (which he keeps outside), in the garage, and tucked under the trampoline cover. Squirrels are so stupid, they forget where they hide their stash of food. Thus, when I am weeding, I end up uncovering peanuts. (A hint: in my area of the Tundra, peanuts are not found naturally of among our flora.)

I would shoot the squirrels that come into my yard, but I can’t. I live in a rather crowded suburb of a rather large metropolitan area. If I were to start shooting at squirrels, I’d be arrested. I’d love to lay out a dish of radiator fluid, but I think that would get me jail time as well. I am, however, lobbying for squirrel birth control.

In my lifetime, I managed to fell two squirrels without even trying. One time, I netted up my strawberry patch and an unwitting (code word: stupid) squirrel got himself entangled in the net. He might have had a strawberry grin on his face, but he was dead. His limp body was a warning to the other squirrels hoping to feast on berries. “Stay away!” They did.

The other time, I was pulling into the office at work. I was driving maybe 20 miles per hour, slowing down to turn into the driveway. My daughter, Ms. MiniDemonic, was in the passenger seat. I believe she was about nine or ten at the time. The squirrel was teasing me in the middle of the road. I didn’t aim for it, but figured the rodent would scamper out of the way. I was surprised to learn that he didn’t. I flattened that thing like a pancake. He obviously thought I was going to swerve to avoid him. Where would he get that idea? From the thousands of other squirrel sympathizers? Dumb ass. Now when I drive in my neighborhood, I try to swerve into them, but they’ve all wised up. They move if they see me coming.

I just noticed that I’m going to have a bumper crop of pears this year, and am already fretting about what to do with my rodent problem. I’d kind of like to actually eat one of my pears this year.

I wonder if I can ring up General Powell on the phone for his advice. After all, he’s retired and might need something to do.


10 Responses

  1. We are well blessed with bunnies. The little beggers ate my two new trees!

  2. You’d love Spike. Before he lost his leg and moved indoors, he brought me about 3 squirrels a week, and I always praised and thanked him for it. If I let him out, I bet I’d find he hasn’t lost a bit of his murderin’ mojo.

  3. I like squirrels, much as I like rats and urban pigeons. I respect them. They’ve taken our exponential human population explosion, and our destruction of the natural habitat that they evolved to fit over thousands of years, completely in their furry little stride.

    More than that – they have not only survived our impact, they are thriving. They kick the butts of tigers, polar bears, orangutans, pandas and white rhinos. Not to mention dodos, moas and thylacines.

    Squirrels laugh in the face of extinction threats.

    All of which goes to prove that one does not, in fact, need brains in order to live successfully. One just needs the “what’s yours is mine” attitude of the average teen and a cute outfit.

  4. Pigeons, like squirrels, make good eating, Truce. I’ve seen really fat ones trying to set up shop on my front stoop. Their downfall is that they are pretty messy.

    We have had a mourning dove living under the eaves in the garage, and chickadees making nests under the front porch roof. It’s funny that when you put out birdhouses, none of them choose a rather prettily designed house. They’d rather nest in your exhaust vent.

    I have researched the protecting of tender pears, and think if I could find some sort of covering that doesn’t taste very good, I could be in business.

  5. Every gray squirrel I now shoot, I dedicate to you, pandemonic. The red squirrels (usually…stay tuned for a notable exception) get to live, for reasons explained in my blog. This is clearly squirrel racism.

    truce, i strikes me as apparent that the wild animals that thrive in the company of humans are for the most part quite repulsive, obnoxious, deceitful, etc. Squirrels, rats, cockroaches, pigeons, coyotes, slugs, etc.

    I make a bit of an exception in regard to chickadees. Do you actually have chickadees in Australia. Or England? My wife is an animal racist. She tolerates the red squirrels but wants to kill the gray squirrels. She likes the chickadees (and chickadee is my nickname for her), but despises finches, not to mention pigeons, starlings, and crows.

    However, once while visiting the Grand Canyon, we encountered some chickadees that had become too habituated to humans and fell under my wife’s disapproval.

  6. From watching the Travel Channel, I can tell you that no animal, no matter how disgusting, is off limits. If there is an abundance of squirrels, may I suggest Squirrel Stew? Squirrel Pie? Bar-B-Q Squirrel? Them’s good eatin’. 🙂

  7. Mmmm… barbecued anything is good eating. Even zucchini is good if you grill it long enough. My grandma used to make a shepherd’s squirrel pie. Yum-yum. Put those critters to use.

    I think that if their hides were more desirable, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion or this war. I think since you can’t go into a furrier and get a squirrel skin coat (but you CAN go in and buy something in bunny), their hides must be substandard.

    Glorified rats.

  8. but their tails could make excellent dusters…

  9. Stupid squirrels are eatin’ all my apples and asian pears! I don’t really care about the apples. But the pears are really quite juicy. We only keep the apple trees because it distracts the squirrels from the pears, but they’ve finished with the apples and moved onto the pears. I really hate how they eat about 1/2 the fruit, then chuck it. Anyone have any ideas? Oh, one more thing: The trees are getting really tall.

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