Frank Sex Talk with the Daughter’s Boyfriend

That’s right, you heard me correctly.

I was answering my Facebook mail when I witnessed a rather tense exchange between my daughter, Ms. MiniD and her current boy du jour. BDJ is still in our Midwest Rust Belt declining city, going to community college and working at the local broasted chicken place (18 outlets in the metro area), and pining away for Ms. MiniD, while she has been busy at school, making friends, and going to the beach and Disneyland.

He has a visit to LA planned for a month from now, and their notes to each other started out with “oooh baby, baby, miss you, love you, blah, blah, blah” and have now ended up with tense “get off my dick”s (that’s from Ms. MiniD… yes, colorful language she has, I agree).

So, I wrote an encouraging private email to the lad, advising him to lay low when she gets bitchy. Her level of bitchiness comes and goes, just like the tide. She can be an annoying pain in the arse, but she means well and snaps out of it once the meds take effect. I also stressed to him that she really needs to get straight As or Mr. Demonic is going to have a major fit. He’s already pissed off about the school situation, and none of us wants to see him SUPER pissed.

BDJ wrote back and asked me what I meant about putting the chill on the situation. (You’d think an 18 year old would know what that means, but hey…) So I explained it to him in words that a twelve year old could understand. Then I said, “Oh, by the way, I found some interesting surprises in Ms. MiniD’s room as I was shoveling out the garbage. Care to explain yourself?”

The interesting thing was an empty condom wrapper.

My daughter is 18, which makes her a legal adult in the eyes of the law. Also, in my eyes. It’s her body. I’ve been trying to talk to her about sex since she was 8, but she is loathe to ask my opinion or discuss the topic. I remember the first day of her first period, which also happened to be the first day of middle school. She was aghast, mortified and crying, but still didn’t want to talk to me.

BDJ hurriedly wrote back that the wrapper belonged to the previous BDJ, the dude who up until last week worked in our office. OH, GREAT, is what I thought. I was contemplating if my daughter was indeed a skanky ho, or just a girl with a lot of hormones. But I thought I would use this moment of incredibly uncomfortable candor to slip something else in.

“Do you think you can talk her into getting on BC?” I wrote back. “You know, condoms are NOT 100% effective. I’m too friggin’ young to be a grandma.” Then I said, “Oh, by the way, you’re welcome around the house any time.”

BDJ wrote back that he would certainly work on that for me. Then he told me when he would be online next and that he would talk to me later.

Hmm… That worked fairly well. Now I have to get Mr. Demonic Jr.’s girlfriend to talk him out of taking a year off and into applying for graduate school.

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12 Responses

  1. Had I been that lad, I would have run for the hills when you trotted out that question.

    I once had a gf’s father ask me (as we were all sitting around the table after dinner): Are you sleeping with my daughter?

    We were early 20s, neither of us living at home.

    Lie: No, sir.

    He looked me in the eye.

    Father: Why not? Is she ugly?

    I stammered and stumbled. He eventually smiled and we all laughed.

  2. Isn’t it funny how when our kids won’t talk to us, their friends will? My kids’ friends would always talk to me about all sorts of stuff. My kids, not so much. My son does, but not the girls. They tell me next to nothing.

  3. I’m glad you could be so frank with him. Too many parents shy away from the most important things to talk about.

  4. Stevo, that was absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

    And yes, Corina, boys will tell you more than girls. I know a lot about my son. Too much, in fact. And you’re right in that the friends talk to me more. The other BDJ and I had a couple of straight talks when the two were breaking up. He wanted to quit the job, but I managed to talk him into staying. He’s really a nice kid, too. Wrote us a nice goodbye letter before he went to college thanking us for the opportunity to work here. What 17 year old does that?

    Shawn, I just wish I could do more… 🙂

  5. When my daughter was in high school, she talked about pining for a boyfriend, but never did anything in regard to getting one. As she was a studious and serious young lady, and not paricularly willing to be under a boy’s direction or sway, I just figured she was a little too uppity for the boys.

    The other shoe dropped when she was in her senior year of college and told us that she was “engaged.” To her roomate. Female.

    So, you just never know what’s in the package.

  6. Oh.

    (That’s the second time today a post left me speechless).

  7. Wanda = Speechless? I can barely believe it!

    🙂

  8. FWIW, if your daughter doesn’t like the idea of birth control pills due to not wanting systemic hormones, a combination of condoms and an additional spermicide works very well — they make this great sort of foldable spermicidal film these days that looks like a little square of Saran Wrap, and dissolves with body heat. It’s a lot less messy than foam, and very effective as a backup contraceptive in combination with condoms.

    Maybe TMI, but I’ve been with several women who didn’t want to be on the pill, and because I completely understand why they felt that way, I’ve become pretty well-educated about other effective options. 🙂

  9. That IS a lot of info, Mr. Rochester, but I’m so glad you are keeping up with current trends. I’ll have to mention that to her, but of course she will probably slam the phone down on my ear when I start talking about it.

  10. Tell her you’re going to give her sex advice from the hottest guy on the Internet. That should buy you five seconds.

  11. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!

  12. spermicidal is such a good word. I mean, its like sperm homicide. And I’m all for that.

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