The November Nutshell Ends in Vomit and Drama

This should be the last of my November nutshells. When you are a nut yourself, you have a lot of material.

After ingesting our so-so Thanksgiving meal, my husband and I walked back home. It was still pleasant weather a week ago. Today it’s 15 friggin’ degrees outside, and even the dog doesn’t want to do her business with her butt in the snow.

Back to the story… well, we watched a movie and retired to bed early. That’s because we were open for business the next day, and both of us had to get to work. (No four day weekends for these Demonics. That’s one of the downsides to owning your own business.)

I had put the feather bed on, and baby, is it comfy under there. I need such comfort, because Mr. D is cheap (I mean, thrifty) and keeps the night time temperature to about 58. I was completely out of it and didn’t wake up all night.

Mr. D on the other hand, for some reason, could not stay asleep. As is his usual modus operandi, if he can’t sleep, he will get up and go to work. It’s not so bad. Our building is about five minutes away from the house. Working in the middle of the night is best for him. He’s on the phone constantly during business hours and cannot concentrate on cleaning his office between putting out fires. His office looks like a tornado went through it, a couple of times. I’ve often said that if something happens to him, I wouldn’t know where anything is. As it is, he’s alive and doesn’t know where anything is.

I didn’t know he was gone. He was smart and didn’t wake me. About 4 a.m., my cell phone rang. It was across the room charging, so it took a while before I got up to answer. By the time I did, it had gone to voice mail.

I noticed that the area code was 415, meaning San Francisco, but the number was not familiar. Could it be my son’s roommate? Is something wrong, I thought? When I retrieved the message, I was still fairly calm. After all, it was only 1 a.m. on the Left Coast, and maybe I was being drunk called.

No, it was worse than that.

My daughter’s boyfriend’s mother was the one who called. She called to inform me that they had taken my daughter to the ER at Marin General, and that she thought Ms. MiniD had alcohol poisoning. She then told me that she had arrived from my son’s house in that condition. That was scary, in that my son lives in the City, and my daughter’s boyfriend lives across the Golden Gate Bridge in Marin.

I immediately called her back, but got a message that her voice mailbox was full. I called my son, and my son’s girlfriend – no answer. (They were in bed sleeping.) Then I called Mr. D, and couldn’t get an answer. (He was on the phone with the BF’s mother.)

Needless to say, there were many tense moments in the next couple of hours. But the doctors ended up not pumping her stomach and not admitting her. She did not have alcohol poisoning but was instead really drunk. My husband spoke to both the mom and the BF, and thanked them. They told him they would call him later. They did not.

Later on, many conflicting stories came out of this situation. Of course, we called my son and yelled at him for a while. In our business, you just don’t drive while under the influence, and he does not. My son says Ms. MiniD came to Thanksgiving dinner at his house with her own bottle of wine. (BF’s mother said no at first, then admitted later that she had given it to her. She also admitted later that she knew her son had a fake ID.) Ms. MiniD stayed at my son’s house for six hours, during which she drank the bottle of wine, had dinner, and plenty of coffee before she left. My son said she was fine when she left, and if she wasn’t he would have told her to stay with them.

So she made the 14 mile trip back to Marin, with no problem. Ms. MiniD says that back at the BF’s house, they had dessert, and the BF’s mother served her another three glasses of wine (at least). She doesn’t remember anything after that. After retiring in the BF’s bed, she began to get sick. The mother freaked out and called the ambulance.

Later that same day, the BF’s mother called me. At first, she was cordial. About three minutes into the call, however, she began to berate me about my parenting skills, saying at one point that didn’t I care about my daughter. I told her I had been concerned about her ever since mid-September when she first started dating her son. I noticed Ms. MiniD had posted photos of herself and the BF obviously drinking on her Facebook page. I was so concerned, I had even contacted the school, but after speaking to the Dean, she said that the grades were okay and that this was probably minor teenage rebellion.

But the mother didn’t want to listen to me. In no time at all, she became shrill and abusive, blaming her son’s falling by the wayside on my daughter. It was obvious to me that she didn’t like Ms. MiniD much, and didn’t think she was good enough for her son. It was also obvious that her son had covered his own ass and told a conflicting story to her. I told BF’s mom that I was hanging up now, and I did. There was no reason to continue the conversation.

Ten minutes later, she called back. Again, I said thanks for your concern, but you don’t know me, my daughter or my family, and I hung up again. About three minutes later, her neighbor called to give me the same condescending work over, and told me she had a number to a rehab place in Malibu. I also told her I wasn’t going to listen (not that I didn’t think my daughter needed intervention – she might, but because I didn’t need a couple of self-righteous rich bitches telling me what to do) and promptly hung up. This continued for another fifteen minutes. I was so upset, I text messaged my daughter and told her to tell her BF to tell his mother to give it up.

As my readers might know, I have given my daughter alcohol on occasion. However, I did so when I knew she wasn’t going to drive. I would never give any of her friends alcohol. A person could get into a lot of trouble doing that.

The end result was that the BF flew back to LA (mom didn’t want him in the car with my daughter), my daughter drove her car back alone (and almost ran out of gas) and supposedly they are broken up. However, they are broken up only on Facebook, and so they are not really broken up.

Mr. D wants to send the BF’s mother the medical bills. After all, she gave Ms. MiniD the alcohol to begin with. He agrees with the Dean’s assessment of the drunkenness, in that this is temporary. He also wants Ms. MiniD to come home. However, he’s not going to force the situation.

I really didn’t need this. I just wanted her to go to school where she would be happiest.

Drama like this is why I enjoy my emptied nest.

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12 Responses

  1. I would send her the bills, as Mr. D suggests, along with a letter from an attorney (I can give you the name of a CA attorney that is a mom and would probably do it for nothing) threatening to turn her in for providing alcohol to a minor. Even if you don’t plan on doing anything about it, it will scare the shit out of her. That’s the very least she deserves.

    I think you really need her to come home for Christmas. You need to see her and know that she’s okay. She needs to see you and know that you are there for her.

    This episode might have been enough to scare her into a more sober life style.

  2. I can’t believe Ms. Illegally Providing Alcohol to a Minor had the nerve to berate you! SERIOUS gall, that one.

    Sure, MiniD is doing what millions of other college students are doing right now– partying it up– but it’s different when it’s your kid. I guess. My kid won’t touch the stuff, but I did catch a girl climbing out of his window once…

  3. W
    O
    W.

    That’s pretty scary, Pan … and the BF’s mother is obviously a total idiot.

    FWIW, I don’t agree with the Dean. Many serious drinking problems start in college — partly because late teen/early twentysomethings often aren’t grown up enough to take responsibility for themselves. IMO, sometimes they still need serious consequences to wake them up to the long-term effects of their actions. The fact that it’s normal doesn’t make it right.

    I’d be curious as to *why* she drinks too much. It’s perfectly possible to have a good time with alcohol without getting drunk. If she can’t seem to stop herself, she probably does need an intervention. If she gets drunk because she needs stress relief or to check out of her regular life, she could probably use a course of stress management techniques. If she does it because of peer pressure (which is still a huge force in college — I took all kinds of crap for not drinking) then she could probably use some support around making her own autonomous choices. Anywhom, I think the cause of the drinking is a crucial piece of the puzzle.

    I hope you’re able to work this out with her, and regain some peace about her situation. This must be so hard for you and Mr. D … yikes.

  4. 1. the BF’s mother is clearly a silly bitch for a) giving your daughter alcohol in the first place and b) then trying to blame you for it

    but…

    2. your daughter didn’t have to drink the alcohol she was given. She will need to learn how to stop drinking when she doesn’t want any more, even when her glass is still full/there’s more in the bottle/someone is ‘politely’ re-filling her glass and knocking back the vino like an old soak herself

    3. I wouldn’t get lawyers involved. The only people who win when lawyers get involved are lawyers.

    4. If the BF told his mother a different story to the one your daughter told you, chances are that the truth lies somewhere between the two versions.

    5. You’ve mentioned this before, but the more his mother and you make it clear that you don’t want the two of them together, the more like ‘star-crossed lovers’ they are likely to feel. And the last thing you need is a pair of idiotic teenagers feeling like romantic rebels who are misunderstood by their gothic parentals because that will just strengthen their bond…

    6. Boy, am I glad I don’t have kids. What a nightmare. {{{hugs}}}

  5. ((Pan)) I agree with your hubby. Send the idiot cow the bills, and tell her she’ll be charged it she doesn’t take care of them.

    If this is the first time she’s overdone it, I wouldn’t make to big a deal of it. She may simply not yet know her limits. But if it’s happening a lot, you may have to insist she come home and get some help.

  6. C: She is coming home for Christmas. She at first wanted to go back for the four-week winter session, but called yesterday and asked if we could change her plane ticket to the end of January when the semester starts. She’s much more immature than my son was at the same age. I’m not going to yell at her about it, but she really needs to snap out of the party thing.

    J: You can easily become a grandma if many more girls climb out of your son’s window… 🙂

    Rochester: Yes I agree that there is something underlying. There has been for a while. She can be very morose and negative, and is hardly ever happy. This started in Junior HIgh, a difficult time for girls. I have suggested counseling but she won’t go.

    T: Don’t have kids unless you can think of a worst-case scenario and multiply that by 1000.

    S: We need BF’s mom to pay those bills. MiniD has already been to the ER for a scorpion sting and soot in her eyes from the last wildfire. She’s damned expensive.

  7. I have nothing useful to say. I am just checking in to say I am reading with attentention, sympathy, and empathy and hope some growing up occurs.

  8. Pan — This may be an absolutely idiotic question, but … do you know why she doesn’t want to go to counseling?

  9. Mr. R. I am thinking she thinks there is a stigma attached, which is rather odd, since she announced at the beginning of the school year that she was going to major in psychology. (She’s changed her major.) My son went to counseling quite a bit during his elementary years, and she had to go too. I don’t think she liked it much.

  10. I wonder whether she might have had a bad experience with the counselor from her younger years, and it’s influenced how she feels about counseling in general, without her really being aware of her feelings. It *is* more of a stigma for younger children, and it’s also harder for younger children to bond effectively with a counselor. It sounds to me as though she herself may not really understand why she’s resisting getting some third-party input … which is pretty common for people her age. If she’d pursued that psychology major, she would have learned that a distinguishing factor of adolescence (including late teens) is a literal inability to articulate the workings of the unconscious. 🙂

  11. Mr. R. Back when I was taking my oldest for his school problems (they were quite severe–he stabbed a classmate with a pencil and hurled a quarter at a teacher’s head), my daughter was the “good” child. She actually wasn’t counseled, per se, just the family stuff. We concentrated on Mr. D Jr., since his behavior was more appalling. I took her to other counselors later, when her behavior took a nosedive (and my son’s improved), but she never clicked with any of them. I gave up. I think in order to get help you 1. have to want it badly, and 2. have to have a decent rapport with your therapist.

    But, of course, you already knew that… 🙂

  12. She may also be afraid that counseling will change who she is, and at her age that’s pretty much all she has.

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