Various Items Someone Should Invent

1. Smell-o-Internet. If Al Gore really wants to win another Nobel prize and make his claim to fame, he should honestly consider this. Just think of the possibilities. My internet boyfriend could smell me. I could smell the bouquet of a bottle of wine before purchase. Or you could smell flowers, or chocolate, or big honking donuts without leaving your desk. If people could smell porn sites, maybe they wouldn’t go there. If we could smell garbage, maybe we’d do a better job recycling.

2. A recorder for people on hold. Ever wonder what those people are saying while they are sitting on hold getting madder and madder? A two-way hold button would be a fantastic invention. While the caller is on hold, the phone will also record any noises they make. This would be a wonderful marketing ploy. I could take all of those conversations and put them on the internet or on CD and sell them. Like “Girls Gone Wild” except everyone would have their clothes on. This would be taking entertainment to a higher level than regular reality shows.

3. Since I’m on the subject of phones, another handy invention would be a zapper placed on your telephone for telemarketing callers. Since a lot of these are automated, it would have human and mechanical capabilities. For humans, it would emit a high pitched noise before shocking the caller with an electrical current of enough voltage to send the person flying across the room. For the automated callers, the current would be much stronger, as to permanently disable the server and hard drive of the offending computer caller. My bet is that the telemarketing bizz would show a sharp decrease in the workforce.

4. Vitamins that don’t smell. I hate vitamins because they smell, and I know I should take them. I become highly nauseous when opening the bottle and can barely choke one down with eight ounces of water, a piece of toast, a half cup of coffee and a small glass of orange juice. After all of that, it still feels like it will come back up. You’d think the vitamin manufacturers would want to sell more vitamins, not less. A hint: chocolate flavored vitamins! Make mine Godiva please.

5. Squirrel birth control. If you saw the army of squirrels around here, you’d know why. Why is it that we look at rats like they’re rodents, but we look at squirrels like they are a fluffy little animal? Get with it people! Squirrels are rodents, the same as rats!

6. Garden burgers that taste like real meat. Tofutti that tastes like Ben and Jerry’s. Bran cereal that tastes like anything except twigs and bark.

7. Cars that wash themselves. I haven’t washed mine since last spring. Part of the reason is because I’m too busy to go to the car wash, even the automated one. Another big reason is because every other day some sort of precipitation falls out of the sky, thus making my car just as dirty as the day before. A car that gives itself its own oil change would be a good idea too.

I have more, but I think I’d better go back to work now. I can see a Part II in my future.