Women (and Other Things) I Would Totally Not Sleep With

Now that some of my gender are discussing the women they would totally sleep with, I thought I would take this moment to discuss some of the women and other things I would totally NOT sleep with. Let me preface this by saying I’m not a lesbian, but as you will see later on in this discussion, that’s not the least of it. I can keep my options completely open and still draw some parameters as to bedtime partners.

The list of women and other things I totally would not sleep with:

1. First of all, need I say it? Britney Spears. I couldn’t sleep with her. Frankly, I don’t know when she sleeps, but she can’t be on the same circadian cycle as me. Plus, she doesn’t wear panties, and that might be one late night surprise I don’t think I’d want to delve into. The mental picture of me unconciously sliding my hand over her naked ass, well… yech! I don’t want to go there… Also, I don’t want to sound shallow, but her body is horribly out of shape. Instead of having the washboard of a pop princess, her stomach sort of looks like… well, mine.

2. Hillary Clinton. Again, I must be shallow. Hillary was no beauty queen at Wellesley and she’s packed on a few pounds since becoming a senator. Perhaps she shouldn’t eat at all on the campaign trail. Also, she couldn’t keep her man happy, time and time (and time and time) again, so I can only deduce that she’s unimaginative in the sack.

3. Rosie O’Donnell. ‘Nuff said.

4. Dogs. I’m a cat person. I can sleep with cats, especially if they’re well behaved and don’t like to pull pranks when you’re sleeping. It’s disconcerting to have your eyelids licked or your earlobes munched on, but these are minor inconveniences, considering 1 through 3 above. Besides, dogs smell.

5. Rocks. I’ve slept with small TVs in my bed, with fast food wrappers (I was younger!), with books, telephones and sketch pads. When my son brought a large hunk of gold ore into the bed, I had to say “no” to that.

6. My children. As long as we are talking about what the children bring into bed (donuts, potato chips, pop tarts, cookies, etc.), let’s also discuss my children. The last time the three of us shared a bed was about ten years ago at my sister’s house. She had a huge king sized bed and we thought it would be big enough. It wasn’t. My son, who is now twenty, tends to sleep on the diagonal. Yes, even now. My daughter kicks, and kicks hard. I can sleep with other children in my bed, just not MY children.

7. And finally, the ultimate deal breaker. A dead person. I definitely could not sleep with a dead person in my bed. At first I was going to limit it to skeletal remains, but I think any dead person would negatively affect my sleep. This includes zombies, vampires, and those who spontaneously combust.

A girl just has to draw the line somewhere.

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Men I Would Totally Sleep With… or Not

This post is brought to you because of  this post, which was the direct result of this one.

Perhaps I am old-fashioned, or maybe just plain boring. The only man I would totally sleep with would be my husband.

I’ve often said that if anything should happen to him, that is it for me. There’ll be no other long-term relationships. No marriages, no boyfriends. Nosiree Bob. I spent a good twenty years getting this one into shape, and some days I’m not sure if it was worth all the hard work and effort. Oh, I love him, very deeply, but I don’t see that kind of love happening again. This marriage is a once-in-a-lifetime deal for me.

This is not to say that I don’t think some other men are appealing. Take Bobby Goat Gruff (My Internet Boyfriend), or whatever moniker he is going by this week. This guy can be extremely funny. Humor is very important in my world. And that’s not all. When MIB and I are discussing deeper topics, I feel that he can see right into my soul. This is very comforting. However, I don’t have any inclination to have sex with him. Although the thought of really sleeping in the bed with him and his sweetie is a tantalizing thought. I’d bring the down comforter, the flannel jammies and matching flannel sheets. We could eat popcorn in bed and tell ghost stories. It would be just like a slumber party for adults!

Just because I’m satisfied at home doesn’t mean that I don’t think some men aren’t attractive. Take Richard Gere now. Richard Gere back in the day when he was An Officer and a Gentleman-NO. Yes, Mr. Gere has aged very well. He is eye-candy of the Godiva kind for this woman. I’ve often said that Adam Sandler would be my perfect dream date. True, he’s goofy looking, but again, I would be looking for a funny collaboration. Also, I’ve never dated a Jewish boy. This would kill two birds with one stone.

My fascination of the day is Stephen Colbert. He’s ridiculously funny, and not bad looking too. I’m a sucker for a guy in a tie. Plus, he could be the President. We all know how being in the Oval Office can charm the panties off some gals.

Commando Tactics in the War Between Thongs and Panties

The comment thread from  this post, which was the direct result of  this one caused me to think about underwear.

These are my thoughts: it’s a war out there, people. We have the Thongs versus the Panties. The Thongs are younger, thinner, brighter, snarkier. The Panties are older, bigger around the middle, and set in their ways. They can be snarky too, but it’s sarcasm born from maturity and experience.

Thongs are looking to engage in procreation and the continuance of life. Panties have been there, done that. Panties are built for comfort, not for speed. Thongs use the old ruse of “panty lines” to cover up the fact that they secretly feel sexy wearing their stringed things. Panties don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone can see their lines. Panties see no enjoyment in the irritation of flossed nether regions.

As brought to light by one comment, there is another option. This would be the Commando Option.

For me, the Commando Option would be the option of last resort. This option should only be taken if all of your undergarments should be consumed in a fire, and you are in the middle of Mongolia or the Canadian outback and have no other options.

Let me tell you why. Because it can be very embarrassing, that’s why!

I did it once, as a Catholic school girl. It was on a dare. My so-called “friends” dared me in 7th grade, telling me that we would all do it on the same day. Unlike my friends, I was a rube. When I arrived at school, I was the only girl without panties. The other girls got a good laugh out of the situation. Thank God (and I mean that in the worst way) my little plaid and pleated skirt didn’t flip up in the brisk breezes that constantly blew where I was raised.

The second time I had the occasion to go commando, I was in my late teens. I had spent an entire night at a house party, dancing frenetically in some unknown boy’s room to Led Zeppelin and Mountain. When I’d first arrived, I had all of my clothes on, including my panties. About four a.m., a cute boy caught my eye and we headed to a couch in an enclosed porch downstairs, where I lost most of my clothing. Okay, let me amend that. I didn’t really lose my clothes.

About eight a.m., we heard the boy’s mother making eggs and sausages in the kitchen. I hurried to put my clothes back on, but in the heat of the moment of those passionate hours before, I couldn’t locate my panties. They were not in the couch or under the couch. They had mysteriously vamoosed!

Two weeks later, I was visiting this boy at his house and his mother handed me back my panties.

There’s a moral here. In the war between the thongs and panties, keep your panties on at all times. Those commando tactics are too sneaky for civilians.