Women (and Other Things) I Would Totally Not Sleep With

Now that some of my gender are discussing the women they would totally sleep with, I thought I would take this moment to discuss some of the women and other things I would totally NOT sleep with. Let me preface this by saying I’m not a lesbian, but as you will see later on in this discussion, that’s not the least of it. I can keep my options completely open and still draw some parameters as to bedtime partners.

The list of women and other things I totally would not sleep with:

1. First of all, need I say it? Britney Spears. I couldn’t sleep with her. Frankly, I don’t know when she sleeps, but she can’t be on the same circadian cycle as me. Plus, she doesn’t wear panties, and that might be one late night surprise I don’t think I’d want to delve into. The mental picture of me unconciously sliding my hand over her naked ass, well… yech! I don’t want to go there… Also, I don’t want to sound shallow, but her body is horribly out of shape. Instead of having the washboard of a pop princess, her stomach sort of looks like… well, mine.

2. Hillary Clinton. Again, I must be shallow. Hillary was no beauty queen at Wellesley and she’s packed on a few pounds since becoming a senator. Perhaps she shouldn’t eat at all on the campaign trail. Also, she couldn’t keep her man happy, time and time (and time and time) again, so I can only deduce that she’s unimaginative in the sack.

3. Rosie O’Donnell. ‘Nuff said.

4. Dogs. I’m a cat person. I can sleep with cats, especially if they’re well behaved and don’t like to pull pranks when you’re sleeping. It’s disconcerting to have your eyelids licked or your earlobes munched on, but these are minor inconveniences, considering 1 through 3 above. Besides, dogs smell.

5. Rocks. I’ve slept with small TVs in my bed, with fast food wrappers (I was younger!), with books, telephones and sketch pads. When my son brought a large hunk of gold ore into the bed, I had to say “no” to that.

6. My children. As long as we are talking about what the children bring into bed (donuts, potato chips, pop tarts, cookies, etc.), let’s also discuss my children. The last time the three of us shared a bed was about ten years ago at my sister’s house. She had a huge king sized bed and we thought it would be big enough. It wasn’t. My son, who is now twenty, tends to sleep on the diagonal. Yes, even now. My daughter kicks, and kicks hard. I can sleep with other children in my bed, just not MY children.

7. And finally, the ultimate deal breaker. A dead person. I definitely could not sleep with a dead person in my bed. At first I was going to limit it to skeletal remains, but I think any dead person would negatively affect my sleep. This includes zombies, vampires, and those who spontaneously combust.

A girl just has to draw the line somewhere.